Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SATURDAY, February 2, 1991                   TAG: 9102010518
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

WELL, THE DRIVER KNOWS ME - I THINK

I read about this, you understand. I don't watch "Oprah." I'm always afraid she'll either blimp up before my very eyes or get repugnantly skinny all of a sudden.

I understand Cher said this about old Sonny as she took Oprah on a tour of her home.

All of us, whether or not we worry about Oprah blimping up or down, must think that it's sad for old Cher to say that.

It also was sad when Cher showed up with that tattoo on her, er, well, um, just on her, I guess.

Gosh, it seems like only yesterday that old Cher and old Sonny used to stand there on that show they had - with little old Chastity, making just a charming little scene.

They'd sing that song about how they had each other and, golly, little old Chastity was clearly precocious.

All of this, of course, was before Cher got her tattoo - back in those neat days when she used to sing about being born in the wagon of a traveling show and other uplifting songs.

Now, boom, whup, bam, as John Madden would say, Cher is saying she never really knew the guy.

This kind of thing ought to make some of you guys nervous.

It's true most of you didn't marry women with tendencies to have intimate parts of their bodies tattooed or to go about almost totally nekkid in public.

But you can't tell what might happen if your wife went on Oprah's show and said she never really knew you.

She is showing Oprah around the house and the subject of you comes up.

"I been with that zero 38 years and I still don't know where he's coming from.

"The other night, for example, he fills up the wood box and then collapses on the couch like he's into this major myocardial infarction event.

"Listen, honey, you can tell when this thudball is faking it. He didn't even turn blue, you know?

"I dunno, Oprah, honey. You want some of this ambrosia I just made. Make you fat. Ha. Ha."

You will notice that I have not included myself in the above category of husbands.

The reason for this is that the greatest station wagon driver of them all knows who I am and admires me greatly.

That is a lie, of course. The real reason is that the driver would never consent to be television - even in a guest spot with Mr. Rogers.

And if you think I'm going to ask her if she knows who I am, you're nuts, pal.