Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, February 4, 1991 TAG: 9102040249
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-11 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: MONTY S. LEITCH
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
"Groundhog Day" indeed.
Would anyone suggest that each year we celebrate "Rat Day"? Or "Gopher Day"? Most assuredly not.
But no one seems to mind that every year we do give a whole day's celebratory attention to this other rodent.
You can call them "woodchucks" if you want, but just as "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet," a groundhog by any other name would still smell like a rat to me.
For years, I've been waging a one-woman editorial campaign against the groundhog. So far, there's been no groundswell of popular support. I continue, however, to hope for hordes of angry citizens ready to lobby Congress and the General Assembly against this foolishness of Groundhog Day. Against the very animals themselves!
I know there are others out there of like mind. Occasionally, someone will send me a surreptitious letter with instructions for cooking the beast ("Groundhog au vin: Take one large groundhog. Skin, gut and marinate in one large bottle of red wine. Discard groundhog. Drink wine.") Some have sent me photographs of big, fat trophy groundhogs sprawled at the feet of hunters.
I appreciate these missives. I'm grateful for their sympathetic intent.
But one or two dead and wine-soaked groundhogs is precious little effort if the ultimate goal is the elimination of groundhogs from this Earth! And that's the goal, if you ask me.
Consequently, this year I'm announcing an all-out, multinational effort toward this end, complete with a 12-step resolution of goals. This campaign will cut across all stereotypical lines of race, sex, age, creed, religion, class, automobile preference and football-team loyalty. It will welcome equally West Virginians, people from New Jersey who've moved into Floyd County, and teen-agers who buy those magazines about the Simpsons.
Our Coalition Against Groundhogs - which we'll call "CAG" on the application for tax-exempt status - will solicit legislators willing to introduce legislation levying enormous taxes on groundhog tunnels, measured by the inch, thereby encouraging all citizens (even bleeding-heart liberals) to rid their property of same.
CAG will produce slick, four-color brochures and mail them to everybody in the Western Hemisphere. This important literature will explain the terrible environmental destruction groundhogs wreak each year. It will outline measures that can be taken and give a list of addresses where you can write for even more information.
In addition, CAG will undertake clever fund-raising campaigns, complete with T-shirts to be awarded to major donors. All funds will be set aside for educational programs. And, of course, for great big parties celebrating successful fund-raising campaigns.
This will be a widespread, populist effort, I'm sure. It will start at the grassroots level and burgeon. Soon CAG's distinctive brown ribbons of recognition will be flying from doorknobs and radio antennae and lilac bushes all over the universe!
I'm sure a thoughtful person such as yourself will want to be a charter member of this exciting and forward-looking organization! For a donation of merely $500,000, your name can be engraved on the dedicatory brass plaque that will be affixed in a place of honor on the southern face of my fine Floyd County barn. Don't let this opportunity pass you by! Give your support to CAG today!
by CNB