Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, February 12, 1991                   TAG: 9102120048
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

ONE THING'S FOR SURE, TRUE MEN DON'T KISS AND TELL

You remember Joyce. She is that cute, slightly fading blonde who knows just about everything about sex - and everything else, including motor oil.

As a sex expert, Joyce is minor league compared to Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a woman who has already faded and seems to have nothing but sex on her mind.

But these two women who run their mouths for very big money have nothing to do with our subject here.

The subject here is the average husband's reaction to Brothers' kissing statistic.

I can tell you right now that most of us probably feel, well, used and dirty, if you know that I mean.

We could also get into how many women the average American husband kisses before he gets married, but our attention span in the matter of kissing is not that broad.

Right, guys? No sense in bragging, is there? Besides, it isn't nice to kiss and tell.

Oh, all right, ladies. Judging solely from my own experience, I'd say the average male kisses oh, say, the equivalent of an infantry battalion of women before he plights his troth. Plights his troth. I kind of like that, don't you?

Let's just say here before we leave the subject that I've used up a tub of Chap Stick in my time.

Now, girls, let me press on here and advise the husbands out there on how to deal with this kissing statistic.

Obviously, boys, you don't go home and throw the heart-shaped candy box at the dog and ask your wife:

"All right, you honey-lipped sneak, you, how many guys did you fool around with before I came along - innocent and vulnerable and wanting only to be loved for myself?

"I know now I should have listened to my sainted mother before I plighted my troth."

That would be uncivilized and it probably also would get you into a three-dinner plate fight.

Here is what you say:

"Saw an interesting bit of news the other day. Seems most wives kiss 79 other men before they get married. Hot dog! Salmon loaf again, huh? Marvelous."

The fact that you don't ask her how many men she bussed before marriage will drive her nuts, but she won't want to discuss it further.

She'll serve the salmon loaf and then she'll call her sister and say:

"Honestly, Marie. I tried to count them up and all I could some up with is 60. Is there something wrong with me?"