Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, February 19, 1991                   TAG: 9102190170
SECTION: CURRENT                    PAGE: NRV-3   EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY 
SOURCE: KIM SUNDERLAND/ NEW RIVER VALLEY BUREAU
DATELINE: BLACKSBURG                                LENGTH: Medium

CHILDREN NEED SUPPORT SYSTEM TO DEAL WITH WAR

"Kids' problems are not being addressed solidly," said Linda DeVito, a mother, business owner and part-time disc jockey for children. "We have them put up yellow ribbons, but what do children really know and how's it affecting them?"

Children have been called the early casualties of the war as many American families are torn apart by one or both parents being sent to the front lines. One report suggests that four out of 10 children - who may or may not have a parent or relative in the war - are significantly affected.

"Some children can just shut out the world and we adults don't even notice it," said Karen Blaisure, a therapist with Virginia Tech's Center for Family Services. "As adults, we have to be attentive and look beyond ourselves and our own grief."

Blaisure, who spent three years with the Navy Family Services Center in Norfolk helping children deal with a parent's deployment, conducts a support group for individuals who have family members in the Middle East.

Another support group that includes children is sponsored by St. Albans Psychiatric Hospital.

"The war is hard on parents and children," said Karma Castleberry, a nursing consultant for St. Albans. "Parents, or grandparents, and children have the same fears."

The first children's group met recently and four children, ages 3 to 6, talked about their fears and feelings of guilt because their parent left home.

"Children have received many explanations for why a parent is gone, so they get mixed up," Castleberry said. "Keep it simple and just tell them that the parent is doing their job."

In general, talk about violence with your children. Some youngsters, for instance, may have conflicts about the war.

"For example, a child might wonder why is it not OK for a bully to push kids around at school, but it's all right for soldiers to die overseas," Blaisure said.

She suggests explaining your views to a child. If you believe violence is the last alternative in a difficult situation, discuss that.

Also, be attentive to your child. If the child doesn't seem interested in world events or is shutting them out, bring up the subject by asking what your child's friends are thinking.

For preschoolers, Blaisure suggests that parents allow for play. After watching news clips on television, children may re-enact war by using their fingers as guns or yelling out commands like a sergeant.

Let them play, Blaisure said, because it's a normal way for children to make themselves believe they have control over a situation.

"Go along with your children. Respect them. Parents could be sending out anxious signals if they don't," Blaisure said.

Preschoolers also may develop other regressive behaviors because of the war, such as abnormal sleeping or eating patterns. This is a normal reaction to stress. Blaisure suggests keeping a child's routine the same.

And a young child may get worried and ask questions like, "Who's cooking for daddy?" or "Who's going to take care of me when mommy doesn't come home?"

Reassure the child. Let them know that the armed services have plenty of cooks or that mommy has made arrangements.

Maintaining an emotional connection for the child also will help him feel more secure. Let a child sleep in daddy's old shirt or with mommy's sweater, for example.

School-age children also feel the effects of war. It's important to sit down and explain the media's coverage, using a globe or map, so the youngster has a better understanding of the situation.

"I know kids want to talk about it," said DeVito, a Blacksburg DJ who hosts "The Hickory Dickory Dock Show" for children. "Kids are impressionable, so you need to be able to talk about the war with them. And you have to know what to say."

DeVito's Sunday morning program - aired on WUVT-FM - also is hosted by her 4-year-old son. She became concerned about children's feelings about the war when her son asked for "Peace on Earth" as a Christmas present.

DeVito decided to invite Blaisure to share ideas that could help her field questions from young callers.

"It's important that kids have a good support system," DeVito said. "They need to know they're not alone; it enpowers them to seek help for themselves."