Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: FRIDAY, March 1, 1991 TAG: 9103010764
SECTION: NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL PAGE: A-1 EDITION: EVENING
SOURCE: Associated Press
DATELINE: NEW YORK LENGTH: Medium
Both spouses may have changed in ways they must now accommodate. New roles in marriage may have to be negotiated.
"The family will be the flash point of the major postwar stressers here because they've been under enormous pressure and stress," said psychologist Charles Figley of Florida State University in Tallahassee.
Combined with the tension the returning soldier or sailor has experienced, "and when you put them all together with the additional effort to make it right and get along with living, it could be extremely stressful."
Problems probably will be most pronounced in families of reservists, who may have left suddenly on their first long separation from home, and least troublesome in military families used to long separations, the experts said.
Basically healthy marriages should be able to overcome the stress, although previously troubled relationships may need professional help, they said.
Experts also said they expect fewer cases of post-traumatic stress disorder - a serious condition that can include sleep disturbances and flashbacks to combat - after the Gulf War than occurred after the Vietnam War.
Families and mental health institutions are far better prepared to prevent the disorder now, Figley said. Families can help by encouraging the soldier to discuss his or her experiences and feelings and providing emotional support, he said.
Apart from that, a returning soldier or sailor may step into conflict because the relationship at home will not simply pick up where it left off.
"You don't re-enter where you left, you re-enter in a new place," said Florence Kaslow, director of the Florida Couples and Family Institute in West Palm Beach, Fla.
For men who went to war, "their wives have been living by themselves and handling everything quite well, thank you," said Joseph Mancusi, former director of psychology for what is now the Department of Veterans Affairs.
The wives may be reluctant to relinquish new authority, he said. "Anyone, once they grow, does not like to ungrow."
For many women, the absence of the husband may drive home the fact that they had been doing most of the household tasks anyway, and they may press for a more equitable arrangement, Mancusi said.
Women back from the war zone also may resist returning to deferential roles, he said.
More generally, each spouse will have gone through a totally different experience during the separation, and each will have gained new friends, Kaslow said. The spouses need to share their experiences, he said.
Just as the returned soldiers will be congratulated for their performance, the family members who stayed at home "need to hear the same sorts of kudos" and be told their work was appreciated, said Karen Blaisure, who has worked with sailors returning home after long deployments.
The returning soldier may find changes he or she doesn't like, such as approaches to child discipline. Second-guessing may promote conflict, Figley said. The new roles and rules have to be negotiated, Mancusi said.
Children may resent taking orders from the newly returned parent, and may pit one parent against the other, Mancusi said. To avoid that, parents should stick together, he said.
Very young children may not recognize the returned parent or even be frightened. Older children may resent the parent for leaving or missing significant events in their lives.
Frightened children warm up quickly when parents show their love for each other, Blaisure said. The best antidote to anger and resentment is to spend some time alone with each child, perhaps with photos of the missed events, she said.
by CNB