Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, March 14, 1991                   TAG: 9103140131
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

IT'S BETTER KIM DIDN'T SHOW UP

Now, The Wall Street Journal reports that the townfolk are out off sorts with Kim because she:

(A) Hasn't shown her face, or any other part of her body, in town since the purchase.

(B) Hasn't built a movie studio or one of those big Southern mansions.

(C) Has refused to attend board meetings of the Braselton Banking Co. - which is probably a good thing, because you have to doubt whether anybody would get anything done if Kim did show up.

This situation is so totally Southern that I immediately visited my friend, Felicity, who was inspecting the magnolia tree that shades her verandah.

I explained the situation and asked whether Kim should be put down as an absentee landlady.

"Ah rilly doan know whut those puhsons think th' young leddy shud dew," Felicity said. "Ah am not all thet familyah with nawth Jawgeeya, but Ah wuld say they seem tuh ten' toewud bein' trashy about th' entahr mattah."

"But they did have their expectations raised, Felicity," I said.

"Mah boah," she said. "Suthinners uv good stock doan go 'round showin' theah expectations - at least not tuh th' extent thet people notice and talk about it."

"It does seem strange to me that you would defend somebody who apparently has tuhned - I mean turned - her back on her Southern roots," I said.

"Ah'm not dewin' thet," Felicity said, taking a trowel out of her apron and shaking it for emphasis. "Whut Ah'm attemptin' tuh dew heah is tuh show thet mannuhed people, no mattuh how bad they feel put upon, dew not resoht to sech common whinin' complaints.'

"In other words," I said. "You'd ignore Kim if she put on a bikini and won the Miss Braselton Magnolia Belle Contest."

"Yew allus wuz uh a smaht boah," she said. "Thet is whut it teks sumtahms. Ah would ingnoah huh and if she evah did show up, Ah'd . . . "

`Ah know, Ah know," I said. "Yew would cut huh dead."

"Thet is coe-rect," Felicity said. "Jus' dismiss huh out uv hand."

"Still," I said. "That would be rather cruel. I certainly couldn't dismiss Kim out of hand."

"Uv coase yew cain't, hunnah," she said. "Yew bein' one uv thim dutty ole boahs."

"I didn't come here to be insulted," I said.

"Tush, boah," she said. "No oh-fence intended. Tuh be uttahly crewd, Ah'd say thet if Ah wuz built lak Kim, a little bit uv bein' dismissed out uv hand wuldn't bothah me at all."