Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, March 21, 1991                   TAG: 9103210040
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

AND NOW, ANOTHER EPISODE OF ASK DR. BEN

I envy the people who write those medical columns, for example.

You talk about a deal. There are enough sick and confused people out there to give them column material until the hole in the ozone gets us all.

They don't have to talk to themselves while they are shaving and say things like, "Well here you are again, you imbecile. You got a column due and you ain't got even a dumb idea."

I became envious recently and couldn't stop myself:

Dear Dr. Ben: The other day I was playing a game of horseshoes with my brother-in-law when I became quite faint and had to go sit under a tree. I am 40. What is wrong with me?

Get out of here, sunshine. How many brews did you and that worthless brother-in-law of yours have? You got beer-drunk - medically known as sudsitis magnosium - and passed out under a tree.

If your brother-in-law still gets drunk and does birdcalls, we might want to discuss this souse and his effect on you further.

Dear Dr. Ben: I am a quite vivacious 26-year-old woman who likes to wear velveteen stirrup pants all the time. The bottoms of my feet recently have started tingling. Is this because of the stirrup pants or this drug I am taking for my vivaciousness?

Since you do not mention the name of the drug you are taking for vivaciousness - which is known to us in the medical field as cutetitis gigantium - I cannot comment on your medication.

And, since I am not really sure of what velveteen stirrup pants are, I can't comment on them either.

I will say, however, that if I had my way all women would wear nice shirtwaist dresses and sensible Republican shoes.

> Dear Dr. Ben : I will not mention my age, but I am a mature woman. Lately, I have been unable to resist a compulsion to take off my clothes when I make salmon loaf. I take no drugs and my feet feel fine. What is wrong with me?

I really shouldn't be answering this, because Ann Landers usually takes care of naked cooks, but I will comment on your case.

In medical language, you have exhibitosa corpus humongous. A milder form - cutetitis gigantium - yields to certain drugs, I think.

The more severe manifestation mentioned above does not respond to drug therapy, but I have had success with a simple home treatment.

The remission rates among "mature" men and women have been phenomenal.

The patient takes off his/her clothes in front of a full-length mirror.

Do this and I'll bet you a house call you'll be wearing a nice calf-length shirtwaist the next time you make salmon loaf.