
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, March 26, 1991                   TAG: 9103260155
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

SHAPELIER FASHIONS ARE SURE TO THROW MEN A CURVE OR TWO

I hope none of you ladies will put me down as a sexist hog when I admit that a recent Associated Press article gave me some hope for a return to the good old days.

Those were the times when women were women. Er, um, well, that is, they had a few curves and were proud to say so.

The wire story said these days have come again, but optimism that we are entering a new age is somewhat tempered by the fear that we are going to lose whatever innocence we have left.

The fashion article by Francine Parnes said, among other things, that: "Women amply endowed will be corralled with underwires and those with washboard bodies will get a boost with push-up bras."

Well, really. I hope I know an amply endowed woman who is "corralled with underwires" when I see one.

What if these things break or something? Does it hurt to be corralled? Is it embarrassing to be uncorralled?

If one of these corralling devices broke,few of us would have the guts to tap a woman on the shoulder and say, "Pardon me, lady. I think your underwiring just snapped."

I am no expert, but a push-up bra doesn't seem to have the same potential for disaster as these underwiring things.

This gets worse and some of you who are not as worldly as I am may want to leave now.

In this story a woman who designs swimsuits says: "It's a look that has come of age. Today, young women want their bosoms to enter the room a few moments before they do."

Well, I just hope Jane Russell is listening to this - not to mention Dolly Parton and Madonna, who is thought to be responsible for all this racy stuff fashion is going through these days. Her and her cones, indeed.

And getting right along here, there is this woman from Denver who is quoted as saying: "I can't tell you how many times I've set off bells at the X-ray detector with my underwire bras because they look like bomb detonators."

Honestly, whatever happened to those girls who dreamed they went to the bullfights and places like that in their Maidenform bras?

Nowadays, they dream about charging through airports with their underwiring setting off detectors.

Yeah, and then they go home and tell their husband: "Today was a blast, honey. My brassiere delayed the shuttle flight for 30 minutes."

Which leads me to ask where your Aunt Zelda is when we need her.

There's a lady who blushes when somebody says "foundation garment" in her presence.

And you can bet no underwiring ever corralled her.

by CNB