Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, April 2, 1991                   TAG: 9104020066
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

BEN LAYS IT ON THICK ON BEHALF OF THE KETCHUP INDUSTRY

Processed Products Branch

Fruit and Vegetable Division

AMS, USDA

Room 0709

P.O. Box 96456

Washington, D.C. 20980-6546

Hello, whoever you are there in Room 0709:

Whew! I hope you will give me a moment to get organized here. Typing that address took a lot out of me.

OK. Now. It is my understanding that you folks at the U.S. Department of Agriculture would like to hear from residents of this great democracy on how thick they want their ketchup to be.

I understand that you are proposing a new standard that would make ketchup thicker.

I think most of my fellow Americans would agree with me that you ought to leave ketchup alone, because it is already very hard to get out the bottle under the current standards for viscosity.

(I just threw "viscosity" in to show you that you're dealing with a worldly person here who knows his way around.)

If ketchup gets thicker, many over-the-hill persons, such as yours truly here, will hurt themselves trying to put ketchup on their hash-browns and scrambled eggs.

I've already been embarrassed enough in public, trying to pound some of the currently viscous stuff on my country fries.

My own personal concerns pale to insignificance, however, when we address the broader question of why in the name of Norman Schwarzkopf you would want to start fooling around with ketchup.

I wonder about the economies here. I wonder how many people are going to be slaving away in Room 0709 reading stupid letters like this one - and getting overtime on Saturday, probably.

I mean, why doesn't your Fruit and Vegetable Division concern itself with the consuming issues of our time.

A consuming issue of our time, for example, is why my tomatoes always get blight on them, and if that doesn't happen all these birds pick great big holes out of them as soon as they are ripe.

Did you people in Room 0709 ever think of that? Of course not. You don't care what happens to the individual citizen's tomatoes.

You don't try to cure my blight or take care of those stupid birds. No. You want to go around acting fancy and setting thickness standards for ketchup.

In closing, I assure you that I stand opposed to all forms of tyranny over the minds of men, and their ketchup, and please don't sent me a copy of your draft recommendation.

Cordially, Bennie Beagle