Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, April 4, 1991 TAG: 9104030208
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
I didn't do a single thing that even remotely resembled a joke, like saying to your wife: "Oh, my God! What are all of those loathsome things doing crawling in your hair, Antigone?"
I intend to make up for this disgraceful behavior by organizing resistance to daylight saving time, which starts next Sunday.
If you also get sick just thinking about it, you are welcome to join me in this rebellion.
Ignoring daylight saving time probably is against the law, but Thomas Jefferson once said the tree of liberty must be watered occasionally with the blood of patriots.
Or something like that. I think.
Anyway, boys, let's get to the bleeding.
I am not going to turn my watch ahead or reset the clock on the VCR before I go to bed Saturday night. I'm staying on eastern standard time.
If they knock on my door late at night and some guy who looks like Erich Von Stroheim takes me in for questioning, that's the way it will have to be.
When I am an hour late for work Monday, I am going to say: "If God had wanted us to have more daylight so that people like you exploiters of the human body and spirit could play golf longer, He'd have told the sun to take care of it.
"If you'd pay more attention to business, maybe I wouldn't be on starvation wages."
I'll get to the unemployment office one hour late and I am going to say: "I certainly am having a good time with my daylight saving time revolt. Quite invigorating. You ought to get out of this stuffy office and try it.
"I would hope, however, that you will process my claim first."
I am certainly not inciting anyone to use terrorist tactics, but I intend to organize small bands of persons who will make nasty remarks to people who are still doing "active" things outside after 7:30 p.m.
This will include maiden aunts working in their flower gardens - despite the fact they look like they just got off the bus from Mayberry.
I have prepared a very nice hideout on Bent Mountain, which we will need when the federal/state Time Police Task Force is formed.
We will be very Robin-Hoody. We will share our unemployment checks with the natives.
They, in turn, will keep us informed of the movements of the Time Police, whose watches will keep perfect time.
We will fight for freedom until Bottom Creek runs red with blood, or until our eligibility for unemployment benefits runs out.
by CNB