Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, April 4, 1991                   TAG: 9104040526
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A-13   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: DAVID GRIMES
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THE COMING ASTEROID?/ SIX REASONS TO DELAY DOING YOUR TAXES

Around this time of year, of course, I focus most of my procrastination energies on not doing my income taxes. While everybody has his or her own ideas of how to delay this unpleasant chore, these are the techniques that have worked best for me:

Calculator problems. Contrary to what you may have heard, electronic calculators are extremely temperamental, unreliable devices. I would never attempt a project as important as income taxes without thoroughly checking out my calculator first. To test your calculator, pry off the back and prod around inside with a nail file, steak knife or similar tool. You might pour a little Diet Pepsi inside to make sure all the contacts are clean. Glue your calculator back together again and test. If your calculator fails to work properly, leave it alone for a couple of weeks and then try again.

Incomplete records. Never begin work on your income taxes until you're sure you've assembled all the pertinent records. Since there is no way of knowing which records are pertinent and which ones aren't, this process can go on endlessly.

Unwise to file too early. Most people wait until the last minute to file, which means if you file early, the IRS is going to have more time to go over your form and find mistakes. It's much better to send your form late, when the IRS is overwhelmed and doesn't have time to check your arithmetic.

The end is near. A large asteroid could conceivably hit the Earth on April 14, destroying the planet. It would be silly to waste our last precious moments on Earth worrying about something that's not going to make any difference anyway.

Political statement. The federal income tax is an inequitable means of raising money. By refusing to fill out your form until the last possible moment, you are sending a clear message to the government that you are mad as hell and aren't going to take it any more.

Detrimental to health. Squinting at tax forms for long periods of time can lead to eye strain, backaches, headaches and who-knows-what-other debilitating injuries and afflictions. Those who put off doing taxes in order to play golf or tennis are not lazy good-for-nothings, but rather are serious, health-oriented individuals who feel there is more to life than dishing out money to an insatiable federal bureaucracy.

David Grimes is a columnist for the Sarasota (Fla.) Herald-Tribune. New York Times News Service