Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, April 6, 1991 TAG: 9104060402
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
They say the billboard gets on television a lot during games.
And this, they say, gets around a long-standing ban on cigarette commercials on TV.
Obviously, the Marlboro Man is riding twisted trails these days.
I can see him now:
A Texas blue norther is blowing as he rides into a new town.
Once his horse is safe in the livery stable, he clumps into the Good Times Are All Gone Saloon.
He orders the house bourbon and starts to light up.
"You can't do that in my town, stranger," says a man, stepping out of the shadows to reveal a star on his vest. "We don't take kindly to smokin' in these parts. Some hombres tried it. They're up on Boot Hill."
"That's about what I heard all along the trail, Sheriff," the Marlboro Man says. "There's no-smokin' laws from the Black Hills to the Llano Estacado. I remember when a man smoked 'em if he had 'em. Those were good times."
"You ain't heard then, I take it, Stranger, about th' effect of passive smoke," the sheriff says, his hand hovering over his holstered Colt revolver. "Ain't that right, Miss Amanda?"
"That's right, Sheriff," says Miss Amanda, stepping out of the shadows to reveal enough cleavage to knock Matt Dillon off his horse.
"These lines in my face are character lines," the Marlboro Man says. "I'll obey th' rules as long as I'm in your town, Sheriff."
"I'm passin' glad to hear that," the sheriff says, going out into the Texas blue norther.
The Marlboro Man and Miss Amanda have a few drinks and she starts running her fingers over his character lines.
They go upstairs. She smiles wantonly and pulls up her skirts to reveal shapely thighs.
"How 'bout it, Cowboy?" she asks seductively.
He nods and she takes a pack of Marlboros from under her garter.
They get a puff apiece before the sheriff breaks down the door and gut-shoots both of them.
The sheriff holds Miss Amanda's head tenderly.
"I knew you was cheatin' on me," he says. "I smelled Marlboros on your breath last night."
She takes one last drag on the cigarette and dies.
"A man goes back on his word, he deserves gut-shootin', Sheriff," says the Marlboro Man, who is dying. "But answer me one thing."
"What's that, Son?" the sheriff asks gently.
"Will th' Big Range Boss let us smoke in that Great Bunkhouse in th' sky?"
by CNB