
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, April 9, 1991                   TAG: 9104090140
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

IF THE TILLER DOESN'T JERK YOU AROUND, THE RENTAL FEE WILL

I love those rear-tine tiller commercials in which good-looking people have wonderful soil and keep vegetable gardens that produce enough to feed Asia Minor plus the population of Radford.

You will notice that the homes of these people are somewhere in the $500,000 bracket, which is why they can afford one of these machines in the first place.

These devices, as many of you know, are different from an old-fashioned front-tined tiller in that they do not jerk you around and run away, dragging you behind them.

Needless to say, you don't get a lot of tilling done if your tiller is pulling you, screaming, through the neighborhood.

This gives the neighbors a good laugh, but it is does nothing for what the experts call "soil preparation," and it is very stressful.

I understand there are actual case histories of gardeners who have been dragged away from their homes and never heard from again.

I also love those chipper-shredder commercials in which another lovely couple, with non-functioning sweat glands, tidy up another expensive piece of real estate. But that is neither here nor there for the moment.

I was in need of a rear-tine tiller recently and I said something like: "Well, my dear, we only live once. Let's buy one and act like those people in the commercial. Devil take the hintermost and that sort of rot, what?"

I priced one of the things and did something I had thought to be impossible. I actually walked to the car while in a dead faint.

"Fear not, my good woman," I said. "This is a job for Rental Man."

I called Rental Man and asked how much it cost to rent a rear-tine tiller for a day.

He told me. He was very calm about it.

"Ha. Ha." I said after a long silence. "It has been nice talking to you. I must tell you, however, that I wouldn't charge that much to rent out my entire family for a day.

"And make no mistake about it, these people are good workers and you don't have to change their oil all the time.

"You can pick them up on Friday afternoon and return them Saturday by 5 p.m. for $28."

I found out that most rental places don't keep horses and plows. If they did, I expect the rent would be lower than the rear-tine tiller.

Actually, a horse probably is a lot more fun than a rear-tine tiller. You know, you could call it "Old Paint" and things like that.

I finally triumphed in the rear-tine tiller affair by borrowing the one owned by my son-in-law.

Compared to what Rental Man wants, 1,000 hours of baby-sitting ain't bad.

by CNB