Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, January 16, 1992 TAG: 9201150127
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-4 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Joel Achenbach
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
HOSPITAL GOWNS ARE MEANT TO BE FLIMSY
Q: Why do hospital gowns seem to be designed for maximum humiliation?A. In civilized society, one of the general rules we use is: You have private parts. But a hospital is not part of civilized society. You check your dignity at the door. The hospital, in fact, wants you to be mortified, because this makes you all the more pliant and submissive.
The mortification starts when you are forced to undress completely, underwear and all, and put on a flimsy, non-heat-retaining garment that ties in back, sort of. If the hospital provides no slippers, you will have to wear your street shoes. What a sight you make: your gown, your peekaboo butt, your wing tips.
Well, if it's any solace, we've found out why the hospital gowns are so ridiculous. They're meant to be flimsy. Because that requires less fabric and costs the hospital less. It's the awful truth! So why do they open in back? Well, it's either that or the front. Choose your humiliation. (Sometimes it depends on the specific procedure.)
Kathy Bennett, spokeswoman for ATD-American Co., a hospital supplies manufacturer in Wyncote, Pa., says there are all kinds of gowns that hospitals can buy, and some cover the patient fully. There is, for example, the "3-Armhole Wrap-Around All Purpose Gown," which, according to the ATD catalog, is the "Ultimate in Modesty." But the cheapest gown is the "Center Back," meaning the one that ties in the center of your back with no overlapping fabric.
"The ones that open in the back are the most economical. Because there's the least to them," says Bennett.
Recounting her own hospital experiences, including being forced to wear high heels with a flimsy gown, she says that perhaps citizens should learn to be smarter consumers of hospital services.
You might start by asking if hospitals use "Overlapping Back" gowns, and if so, are they the ones with the 4-inch overlap or the 8-inch overlap. The heaviest gowns are made of "California weight," to meet the standards of that state. But regulations vary from state to state and institution to institution.
"The lowest standards, I would imagine, are for nursing homes and jails," Bennett notes.
This discussion leads us now to a more important and scientific question:
Q: Why are private parts private? Why isn't your mouth a private part? Why not the nose?
A: You may have noticed that dogs don't understand the concept of private parts. You can train a dog to do a lot of things, but he will never, ever grasp the idea WHY THINGS ARE JOEL ACHENBACH that there are certain stunts inappropriate for High Tea.
Only humans, of all the animals, have a sense of modesty about their sexual organs. Why did this idea evolve?
The basic answer is that primitive humans realized that the genitals (as opposed to the mouth or nose) were a unique resource. They had value. You could barter with them. Trade. Negotiate. You didn't let just anyone have access to them, says Rutgers University anthropologist Lionel Tiger.
For example, virginity has always been valued in human societies, particularly in females, which are the "main reproductive resource," says Tiger. In primitive cultures, a virgin girl had great value to her kinship group, which could engage in "exogamy," marrying the girl to a boy or a man in a different kinship group in a ritual that would be far more political and economic than romantic. The marriage ritual would ensure peace and cooperation.
The curious thing is that, although almost every culture has some rule about genital modesty, the rules vary dramatically. Robert Carneiro, an ethnologist at the American Museum of Natural History in New York, notes the case of the Amahuaca people of central Brazil. An Amahuaca man goes about naked except for a broad bark belt, under which he tucks the tip of his penis, which otherwise is utterly exposed. If the penis slips out and dangles for a moment, the Amahuaca man will become extremely embarrassed.
Another nearby group, the Chonibo, wear cotton garments like nightshirts. The Amahuaca think the Chonibo are bawdy, says Carneiro. "They sort of guffaw" when the Chonibo are mentioned, he says, "because they're letting their penises hang free."
If they saw American hospital gowns, the Amahuaca would be appalled. - The Washington Post
Joel Achenbach writes for the Style section of The Washington Post.