Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, January 16, 1992 TAG: 9201160121
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
GENETIC RESEARCH PROVES BENNIE'S RECESSIVE TRAITS
As some of you may recall, I have been doing extensive research on genes that appear to control certain female traits and habits.There is, as I have said before, nothing sexist in this research.
I know there are male genes, too, for Pete's sake.
Any woman out there who wants to study certain genes that control male traits and habits is certainly welcome to do so.
I am sure my own helpmate would be happy to join in such a study.
She is convinced that my habits of making sandwiches on the middle shelf in the refrigerator and leaving empty peanut shells in the bowl are caused by heredity.
She says nobody would be that much of a slob on purpose.
The latest gene I have isolated is one that causes a certain high-pitched inflection in the voice of a woman who is announcing ordinary domestic catastrophes.
You can hear it when you come home when it is still January and your wife says:
"Well, Eugene, I guess you've noticed the big sinkhole in the side yard where they put in the sewer last March."
That little piece of ground has cost a lot in terms of reseeding, fertilizer, topsoil and the kind of work that makes you cry yourself to sleep.
When you hear that tone of voice, don't ever think your helpmate is being overemotional or is overstating the facts of the specific disaster she is announcing.
If she says the sinkhole is big, it's big, pal.
I guarantee that if you're dumb enough to go out there and examine it, you'll find it's big enough to accommodate Super Bowl XXVI.
Don't look and ruin the rest of the winter. Take it on faith. Get an estimate on topsoil early and be ready to fill that baby up when March gets here. Oh yeah, and don't forget the grass seed.
You can also hear this inflection when your wife announces that both dogs have come down with heartworms and have to be flown immediately to this canine version of the Mayo Clinic.
This same tone is there when she announces a grocery bill that has set a weekly record for the North American continent.
It also is there in announcements that the kitchen floor has fallen in because the bathtub leaked again; that the sheriff came by to levy on the furniture; that everybody in the family needs root canals and crowns, and that the furnace died at 11 a.m. today.
All of this has made me nervous, and that makes me hungry, and I'm opening the refrigerator to make a sandwich.
I got corned beef on rye if you want one.