Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, February 6, 1992 TAG: 9202050229
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
I'D RATHER PUT THIS SKATING IDEA ON ICE
I have a terrible secret that will ruin my life if I don't talk about it.The truth is that figure skating drives me nuts.
Well, make that watching figure skating drives me nuts.
Many Saturday afternoons - after a busy day chopping wood, prying huge stones out of the North 40 and digging postholes for the sheer joy of it - I spend some time zapping around the channels.
That is how I sometimes come up with these figure-skating events.
I hate to say it, but I quickly zap these shows, although the greatest station wagon driver of them all loves figure skating.
It makes me feel guilty when I do that, but figure skating gets on my nerves.
You have this girl with great legs wearing clothing that streams in the wind as she skates around to the theme from an old Hollywood musical.
Let me say here that I know it is not considered proper to describe a young woman's legs as "great," and that the really in thing to do is not to mention that she has any legs.
But I'm not running a popularity contest here, pal.
Let's face it, friends, as a sporting event, figure skating is not your average game between the Redskins and the Cowboys.
And there is always some smart-mouthed women commentator who criticizes the way the poor girl is doing her axels, triple-toe loops or her camels.
It looks to me like you do pretty good at ice skating if you don't fall down a lot - never mind how your axels turn out.
Some of you want to know how I know about axels and smart-mouthed women commentators if I always zap figure skating events.
It's simple. Sometimes the driver sees the skating before I can change the channel, and she says softly, "Change that channel and I'll break both your arms."
This month is going to be a bad one for people who don't like figure skating.
They will be doing that a lot during the Winter Olympics, and the best I can hope for is that they don't schedule one at the same time the reruns of "LA Law" are on.
In addition, I will add that I don't like a lot of winter sports - such as skiing and speed skating.
Speed skating, for example, always appears to be a rerun of Hans Brinker - except you don't see any windmills.
While we're at it, let me say that I never did care for Hans or his silver skates very much.
I also do not care for sledding, although "luge" is a nice word to know if you work crossword puzzles a lot.
And it's nine months until the football season starts.