Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, February 9, 1992 TAG: 9202060289
SECTION: YOUR WEDDING PAGE: YW-10 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: By BECKY HEPLER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
COMMUNICATE, COMPROMISE OVER MONEY
It is probably the last taboo. People contemplating marriage will have shared everything . . . their hopes and dreams, their goals, their sexual histories . . . everything except their views on money.And yet, counselors, psychologists and financial planners say it is one of the most important areas to discuss, because of the emotional and psychological connotations that money has.
"We assign meaning and value to money that affects the way we use it," said Dr. Scott Johnson, assistant professor at Virginia Tech's Marriage and Family Counseling program. If the values are vastly different, it can lead to serious problems, both financial and in the marriage.
The number of complicating issues seems to be rising, meaning that people getting ready to waltz down the aisle have even more that they are not discussing. People are waiting longer to get married, which allows them to bring more assets to the relationship, but how to incorporate "yours" and "mine" into "ours" can become a major stumbling block.
The longer people have been financially independent, the harder it can be to go to joint decision-making. Learning to compromise, learning to set joint goals then work toward them are issues facing the newlyweds.
Remarriages, especially with children involved, can become a real viper's nest for people contemplating a new life together. If money was an issue in the first break-up, and that has not been resolved, it can continue to be an issue in the second marriage. Alimony and child support can become points of conflict and resentment for the new spouse who feels that he or she is supporting people who cause problems.
A messy, expensive divorce can have one positive effect. It will get the betrothed talking about money, if only to avoid the problems that arose the first time.
If all this talk has you thinking about asking for or giving back the ring, don't. Money, in and of itself, is not the reason people have problems. It is the way people talk (or don't talk) about it that creates the problem.
"Money is not the issue," said Johnson. "The quality of the communications is what counts." Thus, keeping the discussion noncombative and focused on the issue of money is critical. This is not the time to be blaming each other or getting defensive.
It is very easy for these discussions to get personal and in fact, disagreements over money are often a smoke screen for personal disagreements. "Why did you buy this?" could actually mean "You never consider my feelings and wishes." Couples need to deal with these personal problems so they can tackle the money problems.
It is crucial to talk about what the financial goals of the couple will be and how to achieve them. Gerald Bird of Blue Ridge Personal Financial Planning in Blacksburg echoes that idea. "Most disagreements about money are not over how much money the couple has, but over how to manage that money," he said.
One key to managing money is to keep track of what comes in and goes out, said Bird. Keeping track of what comes in is fairly easy for people with regular paychecks, unlike those who work on commission or free-lance. It is those folks who are good candidates for a savings plan that creates a cushion between the checks.
Tracking the outgo can be a surprising exercise. "Most people don't realize where their money goes," said Bird. People tend to underestimate how much they spend on things and completely overlook many small purchases such as cigarettes or sodas.
"It's not much fun to track your money and it can be difficult," said Bird. "But neither is not having enough money to cover expenses in a month."
Once a couple actually sees how the money is being spent, they can make a plan, creating new priorities. Johnson said planning the wedding is good reality testing and a chance to practice these planning skills. A crucial component for the two is a willingness to compromise. Both parties need to give up something, or to cut down on a usual expense and to be willing to accept their partner's ideas.
"Of course, there must be some reward for this activity,`" said Bird. "Most likely it should be small, but people have to have some incentive. A reward will make it easier for them to stick with their plan. It's hard to give up everything."
Another crucial component to a successful financial plan is that both parties need to have some money that they can spend without question. Again, even though the amount may be small, each person needs to have money she or he can use without justifying it to the other person.
Obviously, one of the goals of a financial plan is a savings account. Bird suggested some tips to make it easier. First, set aside the money at the beginning of the pay period. Don't try to save what is left over from the month's expenses.
One way to save is to use money you previously did not have. When you pay off a loan, continue to allot that amount to a savings account. When you get a promotion or raise, pocket the difference in the savings account rather than the general fund.
Another important tactic is to have specific goals. It is easier to be motivated to scrimp and save and make do if you know the money you are saving will go toward something that is very important to you, such as a house, a vacation, a secure retirement, your children's education.
The main thing for couples contemplating marriage to remember is flexibility and compromise.
"There is no one magic formula for a successful financial plan," said Bird. "It depends entirely upon the couple's situation and goals and those can be derived only by being open and honest and willing to listen."