Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, February 15, 1992 TAG: 9202150108
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BETH MACY STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
THERAPIST FREELY SHARES IDEAS FOR MAKING A MARRIAGE WORK
If owners' manuals came with marriage licenses, they might be titled "How to Meet the Toughest Challenge of Your Life."But there are no survival guides to marriage, nothing that tells you how to keep romance and intimacy alive long after the honeymoon's over.
That, perhaps, is why about 70 people showed up for a free Tuesday night seminar on the topic, presented by marriage-therapy specialist John Todd of the Lewis-Gale Psychiatric Center.
"Having a good marriage is one of the hardest things you'll ever do," said Todd, a licensed clinical psychologist. "You need to think of it as an investment you want to protect."
Todd's audience was 40 percent male, 60 female and ranged in age from young newlyweds to couples 60 or older. Some people came alone.
The talk was broken into two sections, one on intimacy and one on sexuality. Following are some highlights from each.
On intimacy
Todd likened a good marriage to a dance: You can slow dance, touching each other. But when you let go, neither of you, alone, should fall down. "The desire to be interdependent is important," Todd said. So are the following ingredients in a marriage:
\ Have fun and laugh together - especially at yourselves. Humor heals.
\ Share household chores and responsibilities equally. "The No. 1 issue producing divorce is with spouses, and women especially, who feel they pull 75 percent of the load around the house," Todd said. The phenomenon is especially true among Supermom types who work outside the home.
Couples who share the workload tend to have happier marriages, he added.
\ When you're angry at your spouse, talk about it rationally. Left to fester, anger "ages us and takes away our energy and libido," Todd said.
\ Look at your own shortcomings. Most people in marriage therapy have long lists of their spouses' faults, but none for themselves.
\ Show your appreciation and gratitude to each other - even if you think your spouse already knows you're thankful. Nobody reads minds.
\ Takes risks, make changes. Ruts are hard to undo, but ask yourselves, "How can we spend our energies in a more intimate way?" Don't ignore what your wife is saying while you read the paper, for example.
\ Ask your spouse before you commit both of you to an event. And couples who have established rituals - a Friday night weekly date, for example - should not allow anything to interrupt them.
\ Don't be selfish or self-righteous. "Remember that being right rarely has anything to do with being intimate," Todd said.
\ For your spouse, be willing to do things you don't particularly enjoy - as long as they're not harmful, degrading or terribly depressing.
\ Don't be afraid to touch each other non-sexually. Holding hands or holding onto each other after intercourse, for example. "A lot of us are touch-deprived as children," Todd said. "Some people think that's why men like sex more than women" - because societally, many men are conditioned not to be touchy.
\ Forgive your spouse for not being perfect. Don't keep score.
On sexuality\ "There's a big difference between having sex and making love," Todd said. "Women aren't sure men understand that, but I've rarely met a man who doesn't."
Todd gave an open-ended definition of lovemaking: anything that's mutually respectful and agreed upon, but not harmful or degrading.
As for frequency and commitment, he gave these guidelines:
\ Be firmly committed to lovemaking. "I tell men that they should have the same commitment to making love as they have to playing golf on Saturdays; when was the last time you made love with your wife for four hours?" Women should ask themselves: "Have I given as much love and care to my husband as I have to my children?"
If a couple is hard-pressed for time to make love, Todd suggests specifying a certain night of the week. "You have to protect and set up a lot of things you do in life," and lovemaking should be one of them.
\ Be sensitive and gentle. One of three women and one of five men have been sexually abused at some point in their lives. For all you know, your spouse may be hiding the fact of previous abuse, Todd said. Or your spouse may have blocked out the trauma.
\ On frequency of intercourse: Five to 10 percent of couples 30 and under make love every day. Between the ages of 30-45, 30 percent of couples make love once or twice a week.
\ On orgasm: Todd says 50 percent of all women are unable to climax during genital sex. "Men should not dwell on that," thinking they're inadequate because they can't satisfy their wives in that way. They should, however, strive to sexually fulfill their wives in other ways. Women more easily experience climax as they get older, especially over age 35.
Spontaneous orgasms are only possible in 5 percent of couples, so don't be fooled by the romance novels, he said.
\ Couples should talk about lovemaking. As they become more comfortable with themselves and the relationship, couples tend to talk more about lovemaking, and thereby improve it.
"It takes a long time for couples to really make love," Todd said. "Most couples' sex lives are not good until the 10th year of marriage."