Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, February 16, 1992 TAG: 9202140375
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Joe Kennedy
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
NOBODY WANTS YOU WHEN YOU'RE DOWN AND OUT. AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T EVEN
"When you become single, either by way of divorce or the death of a spouse, couples sometimes forget how to relate to you," says Brett Roach, a counselor with Total Life Counseling of Roanoke."People realize divorce is the most contagious disease there is," said a man at a recent meeting of Divorce: A New Beginning, a support group in Roanoke.
"It scares the married ones, because they're thinking, `It can happen to me,' " says Virginia Martin, a Roanoke woman who was divorced in 1988 after 30 years of marriage.
As a result, they disappear just when their friends need them the most.
The vanishing act is understandable. Separation and divorce are painful: No one can really say what caused the split, and people are reluctant to be drawn into the dispute. Grief, pain, anger, loneliness - for those left behind, divorce and death have much in common.
"It's like a death, except the body keeps coming back," joked a man at the New Beginnings meeting.
"There's dignity in death," someone else quipped.
Divorce is legal, financial, emotional and sexual, says Wally Scott, director of counseling at Family Service of Roanoke Valley. "Very often a legal and a financial divorce may happen, but COMING MONDAY: The story of a retired area college professor who's writing a book on extramarital affairs - from personal experience and from stories told to him by other people whose spouses have had affairs. the emotional divorce hasn't happened."
The couple continues to fight the old battles, even when they're divorced.
This can be hard on friends who hear about it, sometimes from both sides.
Divorce is common today, but a social stigma remains. One Roanoke Valley woman says neighbors seemed to keep their children from playing with hers once she became separated. She figures the parents feared a lack of supervision in her home, or viewed her as "a wild divorced person."
In fact, some couples simply are uneasy at having an unattached man or woman in their circle of friends, says Roach, who is leading a 10-week program called Loving Life Again at First Baptist Church in Roanoke.
Experts call that uneasiness "couples chauvinism."
Sometimes, the people in the sundered marriage try to compel their friends to take a side. Sometimes, the friends choose to flee the scene, so to speak, cutting off both people.
Sometimes, the emotional upheaval causes the separated person to assume friends have pulled back when they haven't.
"When you're separated or divorced, you feel like everybody has forsaken you because you feel bad about yourself," Virginia Martin says. "The people who help the most are the ones who've been there themselves."
The best thing a friend can do is listen. Not give advice. Not pass judgment. Not criticize the absent spouse. Just listen and give support, says Doris Harrison, who founded the Suddenly Single support group that meets Friday nights at the Lewis-Gale Foundation in Salem.
Even that can get complicated. One Roanoke man said he had a male friend who was involved in an affair. He offered non-judgmental support to both husband and wife. The couple later reconciled. He admired their honesty, but the friendship has been affected, he says. He learned some things he didn't really want to know.
People who embark upon affairs should expect to lose some friends, Roach says. That's a natural consequence of abandoning the values they and their friends share.
Many separated and divorced people say the best thing they did for themselves was join a support group. Others go into counseling, and many do both.
In support groups, those coping with separation and divorce can reveal feelings that might cause discomfort in their friends.
They can say how sad or angry they are about the situation, and draw strength from the observations of others who have shared the experience.
They can also socialize with people who, like themselves, may not be ready to plunge into a one-on-one relationship. Everyone needs human contact.
When one finds oneself unexpectedly single, making new friends - and, in many ways, a new life - is a big part of recovery.
At the New Beginnings meeting, participants discussed another aspect of divorce and friendship - how it feels to have one's spouse go off with one's best friend.
"My husband had an affair with my best friend, and they're still together, and I still have to see her," a woman said. "It's like I went through two betrayals."
Then she laughed. "In some ways, I had a harder time losing her than him."
Sometimes, friends may knowingly or unknowingly be used to hide the illicit relationship. A woman gave the example of couples who flirt with one another. Some partners may be joking; some may not.
Should friends who know about an affair reveal it to the unwitting spouse?
"It's not a good idea at all," a man said.
The spouse may already know and resent the intrusion. Or the spouse may not believe you. Or the affair might have already ended. Or your information might be wrong.
Others in the group, both male and female, strongly disagreed.
"You put yourself in my shoes," said a woman who said her husband had cheated on her for 14 years with his family's knowledge.
"Why didn't they tell me? I wasted 14 years of my life. My whole marriage was a mockery."
Said another woman, "If I know somebody is cheating on his wife, you bet I'll tell. I've been that woman."
"It might hurt," yet another said, "but you can do something about it, and get on with your life."
Roanoke Valley support groups\ \ Support and friendship for people who are separated and divorced can often be found in support groups.
Here are the telephone numbers of three groups in the Roanoke Valley:
\ Divorce: A New Beginning, 563-5328.
\ Suddenly Single, 774-0090.
\ Parents Without Partners Blue Ridge Chapter, 982-2345.