Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, March 9, 1992                   TAG: 9203070166
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

BENJAM IS A NAME THAT DOESN'T COMPUTE WITH BENNIE

The other day I got a letter from some guy in this huge banking institution addressed to Benjam S. Beagle Jr.

Benjam, yet.

That depressed me a lot, and I can tell that guy right now that he will grow old waiting for me to do anything about his annuity offer, which wasn't bad as far as I could see through my tears of indignation.

He can't blame this desecration on that computer virus, either. The letter came several days before that was supposed to show up.

This is bad stuff. A man lives all these years, stays out of jail, doesn't run off to Tahiti, raises a family, saves a little money, and some computer gets his name all fouled up.

Boy, if I had known this was going to happen, I might have had a little fun while I was getting old and semi-hysterical.

How would a sensitive person live with a name like Benjam? I've taken enough abuse over the years because of my last name, which the guy got right.

You haven't been hurt until you pick up the phone and some clown barks in your ear.

It's the kind of thing that makes you wonder if suffering ever ends on this planet.

If this ever gets out, people will be saying things like:

"Well, there goes old Benjam. You ever hear of anybody with a stupid name like that? I guess you've noticed how bad he's showing his age lately. Pity, actually. But with a name like that, what can you expect?"

Or:

"Yo, Benjam. How goes it, pal? You ever get any kidding about your name? I personally think it's a hoot."

If some dumb computer had to take liberties with my name, it could have done better than that.

It could have called me Cliff, or Bill, or Clint, or Mel, or Chuck, or Bruce.

What I'm saying here is that if you have a name like Benjam, the office bombshell isn't going to be impressed.

Your own children would giggle at a name like that, and they probably would try to conceal the identity of their father.

I'd rather be named Bartholemew or Bertram. Or Rollo, even. Or Egbert.

You're never going to hear anybody say: `'Let Benjam do it."

No. Nobody is going to trust anybody with a name like that to do much of anything, which is not all bad.

I hope that this will be the end of this unfortunate incident.

In the meantime, just sign me Bennie.