Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, March 12, 1992                   TAG: 9203110170
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: E-1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THIS RENAISSANCE STUFF ISN'T SO EASY/

"Well," one of these people says, "I think it takes a small mind to watch the tube all the time. Fat body, skinny mind, is what I always say."

And you become a traitor to your class and say: "You're quite right. What those poor creatures gain from watching the tube absolutely escapes me. I certainly admire people who run. Do it myself, but the whole left side of my body has been broken, you see."

What you really wanted to say is that speaking of small minds, what kind of brain tells a person to go out running around in the rain and darkness - ruining their Achilles' tendons or something?

I'd have done the same thing - been cowardly, that is.

I wouldn't have told them how, exhausted from honest chores last Saturday afternoon, I punched up "Slaughterhouse Five" on A&E.

I'll tell those healthy people one thing, "Slaughterhouse Five" is a serious commentary on the human condition.

It's an edifying movie, and watching such things on television accounts in some ways for the fact that Old Bennie here is very nearly a Renaissance man.

This movie also has Valerie Perrine running around in practically no clothing, but you have to put up with such unwanted distractions when you're trying to be a Renaissance man.

Those of you, healthy or not, who don't remember Valerie Perrine should be ashamed of yourselves.

Incidentally, being very nearly a Renaissance man will get you absolutely nothing around here.

If, for example, I leave the company parking lot and somebody has my space when I get back, it won't do any good to say anything about nearly being a Renaissance man.

As a matter of fact, it would probably be better not to mention it at all.

Don't expect people to let you in ahead of them in the express lane at the supermarket.

Or for your wife to overlook it when you innocently use your salad fork to get a pickle out of the jar at supper when the children are visiting.

But we've strayed from our purpose here, which is to convince society that those of us who sit and watch television also serve.

Without us, the healthy people wouldn't have anybody to make them feel superior.

And there wouldn't be anybody to check up on Valerie Perrine - which is a hard thing to ask of a person who is nearly a Renaissance man.