Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, March 14, 1992 TAG: 9203140183
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: E1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Felicity had a good fire going and was quietly sipping tea in her usual graceful manner.
"I'm sorry just to pop in like this, Felicity," I said. "But I am deeply troubled by these reports of Madonna getting - if you will pardon the expression - naked with this other singer. I would go further here, but I don't want to run to the drugstore for an ammonia Coke."
I gave Felicity a censored account of the affair. I was careful to leave out the part about what Vanilla Ice was doing in one of the pictures.
"Ah hate tuh git intuh anythin' this vulgah," she said, "becuz Ah think it suvs no puhpose.
"Thet Wooman hes long been uh disgrace to huh sex and is hardluh worth mah thots.
"But since yew hev askt me and Ah beleeve yoah interest is genuwine, rathuh than prurient, Ah will tell yew rat now that Ah believe thet awful pusson should be hawse-whipped. Or even stoned on th' mahkutplace, suh."
"I guess that means you wouldn't hawse, er, horsewhip Vanilla Ice," I said.
"Ah am proud tuh say, suh, that Ah hev no idea who this Vanilla pusson is," she said.
"You know, Felicity," I said. "He's that weirdo who sings and looks down into his pants all the time."
Felicity rose from her chair and paced around the room. She adjusted the antimacassar on the chair before she sat down again.
"Although Ah hev th' grettest reespect foah yew, suh, Ah deeply hope thet yew will not mention such vulgah behavioah in my presence agin," she said.
"Well, gee, Felicity," I said. "You said you knew all about how Madonna goes around grabbing - well, acting dirty. I purposely withheld the information on what the Ice is doing in those pictures, but it was a bit more drastic than looking down his britches."
Felicity gasped and reddened. I started out the door to the drugstore, but she waved me back.
"Ah thank we hev gone as fahr as we should in this mattuh, suh," she said. "Mah dadduh'duv shot such uh pusson on sight."
She got to her feet and nervously fumbled with the cameo at her throat.
"Ah hope yew kin show yoahseff out, suh," she said.
I looked back when I reached the door. Felicity was standing beside her chair, like a tragic heroine at the fall of the last curtain.
I was glad I didn't have time to ask her about Tammy Bakker hyperventilating and wanting a divorce now that Jimmy is in the joint.
by CNB