Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: THURSDAY, March 26, 1992                   TAG: 9203260029
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

GORBY SHOULD TELL IT LIKE IT IS

I really don't have a thing against the man. I just don't have a lot of time to spend on international affairs.

Therefore, I don't know what Gorbachev has been writing about.

I am sure, however, that he doesn't write my kind of column.

If he did, the following might result, and The New York Times would fire him:

Every day, Raisa goes to boot store. Buys another pair of furred boots.

Always it is the furred boots. The Motherland writhes in agony and indecision, and yet woman must have her feet shod in boots of many kinds and colors.

Is bad. One hears sad tunes from balalaika, and the wolves cry out in the snow. Many years ago, I give my heart to Russian, and she is still my love, and all boot buying is bad for image right now.

And I am saying: "Raisa, don't you know that Motherland is all broken up, and you can't keep up the spending for fur-lined boots? Already, you must be having 20 pairs of them. Is bad for image. Is costing many rubles."

And Raisa is saying: "Gorby, what should woman do in these times if not to see that feet are booted in proper way and don't get cold?

"The rubles you are taking for column is paying for the boots, no? Is bad for whose image? Is good for my feet."

And I am saying: "Everybody wants to keep your feet warm, my little spring blossom in the snows of the Steppes.

"It is only that spending like this in time of country's economic trouble is not good."

And she is saying: "So, is coming to this, eh? Look at years I have given you, Gorby.

"Did I not up with put that nasty Reagan woman when I am wanting to tear out her hair by roots?"

"Did I not stand by you when they came and arrested you in dacha?

"Have I not been good wife? Why should I be denied boots to keep my feet warm as old age beckons and blows like a cold wind over the wastes of Siberia?"

And I am saying: "Tish, Raisa. Do not speak here of old age. You are as fresh and lovely as ever you were. Except for boot fetish, you always good for image."

And she is saying: "Whatever, Mikhailovich. Is thinking more of image than of me. I go to dacha in morning to think."

And she begins to get the samovar ready for tea, and although have been taking it easy on vodka these days, is pouring myself a pretty good shot.