Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: FRIDAY, March 27, 1992 TAG: 9203270464
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: A-9 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: DAVID A. MADDOX
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Actually, you had better jump on them quick, or you'll wind up like me: My wife just locked me in the upstairs office and refuses to let me out until I get these damn returns done. And we had started out so peacefully this morning.
"We really need to get our taxes done," she said.
"Want some breakfast?" I replied. We fixed and ate breakfast, read the paper, did the dishes, made the bed, cleaned the bathrooms, and started a load of laundry. I was just about to start painting the trim of the house when my wife grabbed me by the arm, dragged me in here, and locked the door behind me.
"You're not coming out until you have our taxes done," she said from the other side of the door. I could hear the tax forms waiting on my desk, calling out my name.
"Your money or your life," the forms seemed to say. I finally reached for our tax file, a Nike shoe box. Inside I found: two canceled checks to the Girl Scouts; one receipt from Winn Dixie dated October 1983; an expired coupon for the all-you-can-eat-buffet at the Ponderosa Steak House; a movie-ticket stub to "RoboCop 2;" and 731 lottery-ticket receipts from the Seven-11. (Those are my lottery deductions; they would expect me to report winnings, right?)
Now, to make sure I have everything I need:
1040 - federal tax-return form.
760 - Virginia state tax-return form.
W2 - income statement.
Form 1099 - dividends and other income.
563-2298 - Dial-A-Prayer. I have found that the guys at Dial-A-Prayer now answer their phones, "Inspiration or income taxes?"
If you're like me, the first thing you do each year is look for newly allowable deductions. The second thing you do, if you're like me, is say, "Holy $%*, where have all of the &#* deductions gone?" They just don't add up like they used to, do they? Those darn IRS guys have got so many stupid contingencies on the itemized deductions, I may have to claim (gulp) the standard deduction. No way? Way.
I think those IRS jokers need to loosen up a bit. They need to add a creative department, and come up with some really . . . oh, say . . . creative deductions. Yeah, that's it, "creative deductions." I have a vision . . . .
How about IRS friends and family? Claim an extra $1,000 for each relative you turn in who you know cheats on his taxes. Didn't Willie Nelson already come up with that idea?
The IRS should honor the opening of the secret JFK files. You may deduct $50 for each JFK special on TV that you actually sit through. OK, only $10 if it was hosted by Geraldo Rivera. If you saw Oliver Stone's "JFK, The Story That Just Won't %& Go Away," you can deduct only the cost of the ticket.
In an effort to help pull our educational system out of the dumps, they should allow some new educational deductions. If you spend quality time with your child, you may claim the quality-time deduction of $500. In order to prove it, you must be able to name all four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and know all of the words to Hammer's "2 Legit to Quit." (If you can dance like he does, you may also deduct the cost of the operation needed to reset all your joints.)
Other deductions and adjustments worth considering: cool-haircut deduction, waste-not-want-not deduction, attitude adjustment, elementary deduction, panty hose adjustment. With all of these new deductions, and very careful calculation, you might wind up having the government owing you more money than you even made.
All that said and done, and my returns completed as well, I guess I'll see if my wife will let me out. After banging on the door for five minutes, I finally hear her coming up the steps.
"All done, sweetheart?" her voice coos through the locked door.
"Yes, dear, all done," I reply.
"Good. Now you can get back to painting that trim," she says, as I hear the lock turn. Wonder if I can make it out the window before she gets the door open.
David A. Maddox of Roanoke is a computer programmer and avowed "rehabilitated
protaxinator.".
by CNB