Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, March 8, 1993 TAG: 9303080007
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
YOU CAN TAKE YOUR DOS AND
The other day, Ann Landers had a letter dealing with - well, er, um, ah, that is, well, gee, you know - a certain aspect of the male anatomy.My computer was acting badly at the time and the letter drove me to write another Dear Bennie column.
I also was suffering from painter's colic, but that's no excuse for what follows:
DEAR BENNIE: My husband Ralph, not his real name, is spending a lot of time with Splendora, maybe her real name, next door. He says he goes over there to help her understand the DOS in her PC.
Yeah, sure, Bennie. That broad is too dumb to run a PC. I, on the other hand, was born understanding my DOS.
What can I do about this threat to my marriage?
SAD IN SNOWVILLE
DEAR SAD: I don't have time for stuff like this. I've got painter's colic, for Pete's sake.
If you're so smart, you ought to know that you should go over there and give her a free lesson in painful blows to the head and shoulders.
You people who can't hold on to your men make me sick.
DEAR BENNIE: I hate to admit such a terrible thing, but I like to get naked to run my computer. Being nude seems to make it more user-friendly, and I appear to be less frightened of my DOS.
This horrible behavior may be in my genes. My mother wrote you several times about her compulsion to wear nothing when she made tomato surprises.
Please help.
SEXY IN WHO-KNOWS-WHERE
DEAR SEXY: If you're who I think you are, I would take a long vacation in Australia. There's a woman next door who's planning to put your lights out, cutie.
You disgust me. I'm scared of my DOS, too, but I don't sit around naked. Get some clothes on, girlie.
DEAR BENNIE: I'm a married man who has become enamored of the woman next door. She says she doesn't understand her DOS and always asks me over to help her.
The thing is, Bennie, that she is always naked when I arrive.
Can you imagine what it's like trying to teach a naked woman about her DOS? The other night, I hit "print screen" seven times instead of the "delete" key.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. Help.
RALPH, NOT HIS REAL NAME
DEAR RALPH: "Print screen," indeed, you foul person, you. I hope your wife does kill you, right after she messes up Splendora.
You worm. I hope you forget the password for your computer diary, which must have some pretty interesting stuff in it.