Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, March 10, 1993 TAG: 9303100237
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
SOON YOU'LL BE PUFFING YOUR WAY TO THE POOR HOUSE
You really have to feel good if you've quit smoking at this juncture in the history of this great nation.I'm not talking here about all of those myths about these really good and yummy things that happen to your health when you stop smoking. I'm talking about a possible $2-a-pack federal tax on Winston Light 100s.
That would be 20 bucks a carton, and you'd probably have to consider regular episodes of embezzlement or armed robbery if you continued to puff - which is precisely what some smokers will do.
Actually, you probably wouldn't want to call public attention to yourself by buying a carton at a time. This would increase your chances of being hijacked on your way home.
It would be wise to put on a clever disguise and buy them by the pack at an obscure convenience store at 4 a.m.
You could then break down the pack and carry a few in your loafers, if you can find a place to smoke them without breaking the law.
(I still have dreams in which I am puffing a Winston Light 100, but the secondary smoke doesn't hurt anybody.
(I also have dreams in which I look like Richard Gere and am handcuffed to Kim Basinger in a swamp. That doesn't hurt anybody, I don't think, but it certainly makes you want a smoke.)
I don't want to discourage anybody from giving up tobacco, but there are a number of fraudulent claims about how much better off you will be.
There is that old chestnut about how much better food tastes when you stop smoking.
You know, somebody says, "Boy, I'll bet everything tastes better now that you've stopped smoking."
Actually, everything tastes the same, and if you think quitting is going to make you beg for broccoli at suppertime, forget it. Broccoli has never had any taste in the first place. I knew that more than six years ago when I quit.
There is another piece of fiction that says your wind gets better and you don't keep the dog up all night with these awful chest rales.
This is not true. You can ask my dog Millie about that. I'm still in the world-champion class when it comes to strange chest noises.
Another thing you'll hear is that you'll feel like vaulting over high buildings with all this extra energy you have. Nonsense. Without nicotine stimulation, you'll become a wimp who needs a nap after a walk downtown to buy deodorant.
Besides, a guy who gains 30 pounds isn't going to think about vaulting over a croquet wicket.
I'll tell you one thing. I wish I were in the nicotine-patch business right now.