Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, March 15, 1993 TAG: 9303130198
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
THE BEST THING EARRING MAGIC KEN COULD DO WOULD BE TO DISAPPEAR
Those of you who care about the Ken doll should be appalled to learn of the latest degradation he has endured to please Barbie.I felt like taking my bed when Newsday revealed recently that Mattel has introduced Earring Magic Ken. My God. He wears an earring and a lavender-colored leatherette vest!
Don't let anybody kid you. Ken got into that weird outfit just to satisfy some kinky idea Barbie has of what he ought to look like.
You can hear it now:
"Ken, baby, you can hit the road unless you stop being so straight. Look at you. You've wearing Rockport loafers, for Pete's sake. That won't do, Jack."
"You mean?"
"Right, baby. Get an earring and leatherette vest, and we'll talk."
You have to ask yourself if Ken hasn't had enough of this kind of treatment and how much more he can take before he does something we will all regret.
If I had the money, I'd form a company that would manufacture a female doll that wouldn't want Ken to be somebody he isn't and would love him for what he is.
She'd love him when he wore rock-washed blue jeans, Reeboks and a much-laundered T-shirt that said "Ohio State" on the front.
I'd name her Martha. She'd be the kind of girl who drives a 3-year-old Hyundai and goes to see her parents every Sunday. None of that Alfa Romeo stuff for her.
I'd like to see the day when Ken meets Martha at church picnic, tears off his earring and decides to ditch Barbie.
There she is sitting around in one of those sheer outfits and feeling like she's the Queen of Sheba, and in comes Ken wearing his "Ohio State" T-shirt.
"Get out of here, you grubby person," she says. "Some of my crowd might see you like that."
"Yeah, well," says Ken, "give this earring to some of your crowd. I've met a real person who likes me for what I am.
"No more drinking myself crazy about you, boopsie. No more of those weird outfits I wore when I was Sun Sensation Ken or Western Stampin' Ken. I'm through with mesh tops and Lycra shorts and leather chaps."
"Go ahead, you little worm," Barbie says. "You'll be back in a week begging me to take you back."
"In your ear, toots," Ken says. "Take off your pancake makeup some time and get a good look at yourself."
It won't happen, of course, because I don't have the money for my Martha doll.
I don't know what further humiliation lies ahead for Ken - although it's hard to imagine anything worse than wearing a lavender leatherette vest.