Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, March 22, 1993 TAG: 9303200298
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
OLD BENNIE'S PICKIN' BUT SHE'S NOT GRINNIN'
I've never been one of those weak persons who buys a lot of stuff they don't need just because you can dial these numbers they show on television.I mean, you won't find Old Bennie here ordering one of those knives that could cut right through the Atlantic Cable and then slice a tomato.
Or one of those insurance policies the woman who used to play the lottery should have had when her husband died and there wasn't enough insurance for the final rites.
Or an exercise video that will give me tight buns.
It's true, however, that I've always been a sucker for book and record clubs.
I've been a member of the Book-of-the-Month Club since 1946, and many times I've forgotten to send the card back saying I didn't want a selection that month. And I've paid for some pretty odd books in my time.
But, hey, you get dividends with these purchases. That is, you can get a lovely coffee table book on early Sumerian architecture for, say, three dividends and a couple of bucks.
Don't be surprised, though, if your Aunt Zelda appears a trifle cold after you send her one of these for Christmas.
Recently, I added a record club membership to my responsibilities as head of the household. Strike that. I was called sexist a couple of weeks ago for writing "maiden name." Let's say I'm joint head of the household in charge of budgetary and financial matters.
I ordered two CDs on which Randy Travis sings country music the way it was intended to be sung.
The joint head of the household in charge of culinary and aesthetic matters didn't approve fully of this purchase.
I said I was merely moving toward elimination of the the club's requirement that we buy six records - to atone for the eight free ones we got when we joined up.
I said it seemed to be a decision well within the operative guidelines of my position, and I mumbled "liquidity" a couple of times for effect.
But then I bought two CDs of Hank Williams Sr. singing 40 of his hits, and this caused a crisis at top management levels. That is to say, the other joint household head objected strenuously.
She sneered at "Your Cheatin' Heart." Turned her eyes heavenward at "Kaw-Liga." Was unaffected by "I Can't Help it if I'm Still in Love With You."
She said she would select the next records from the club - which probably will be Queen.
As a joint head of household, I'll be authorized to listen to "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" at certain times.
When she's playing Queen I can take a walk - like to the Floyd County line, maybe.