Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: WEDNESDAY, March 31, 1993 TAG: 9303310182
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 8 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE:
DATELINE: LENGTH: Short
"When you think about fearsome creatures you don't normally think turkey.
"Anyway, it's nice to be here. Wherever the hell we are."
On dogs:
"They're great because they are really enthusiastic - and when I say enthusiastic I mean stupid."
On TV's "Lassie":
"It was the world's smartest dog, with the world's stupidest farm family. . . . Every time this family goes outside they get into a life-threatening situation. How the hell do you find quicksand on a farm?"
On readers who just don't get his column:
"I've found out that a lot of people who read my column are humor-impaired."
On why most of his columns assert that women are better than men:
"I'm not above pandering. Men having nothing I want."
On why Judge Wapner from "The People's Court" should be used to reform the judicial system:
"This guy is a genius. He can solve any legal dispute in 15 minutes."
On why he started writing:
"It was a question of me realizing I had no other useful skills."
by CNB