Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, January 3, 1993 TAG: 9301030016
SECTION: VIRGINIA PAGE: B-1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: ED SHAMY/Staff
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
THE 1993 NEWS ARSENAL UNLOADED: IT'S A REAL BLAST
Don't expect to have much free time for newspaper reading this coming year? Relax. Here are all the major news events of 1993 confidently delivered to you today in this concise package:\ JANUARY
It does not snow.
Three patients' bodies found in bramble outside Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Salem.
Construction of state-of-the-art truck scales on Interstate 81 at Troutville "almost done."*
(*"just as soon as we finish grading Tinker Mountain halfway to Fincastle")
Rifle-toting student fires several rounds at Cave Spring High School. No injuries; student claims she mistook classmates for antlered deer. National Rifle Association gives her its prestigious Second Amendment Medal of Honor.
\ FEBRUARY
Small team of laid-off Radford arsenal employees travels to Spain to tell King Juan Carlos: "The Portuguese think your people are weenies."
It does not snow.
City proposes paving Wells Avenue with gold cobblestones. Gainsboro residents call offer "not enough."
Magnet school for hotel management will open in September. "Scraping dried yams from ceramic plates has become a science, and Roanoke will have a skilled pool of workers in this futuristic field," proclaims Mayor David Bowers.
\ MARCH
Roanoke hires a new finance director, identified only as "Mr. Schlota."
Roanoke School Board hires new superintendent, identified only as "Mr. Tlanger."
The new finance director and superintendent look vaguely familiar.
Nine patients' bodies found in grove of trees on the grounds of VA Medical Center.
Radford arsenal team tells Portuguese prime minister: "The Spanish think your women are hogs."
Portugal invades Spain. U.S. troops dispatched to end bloodshed; Radford arsenal recalls 800 workers to meet production demands for new war effort.
\ APRIL
We could swear we've seen this Schlota and this Tlanger guy before, but just can't place them.
Roanoke River flood washes away most of downtown Salem; luckily, softball tourney unaffected at James Moyer Sports Complex.
Several hundred "Welcome to Shawsville" signs posted in downtown Elliston.
Four patients' bodies found along fence outside VA Medical Center.
I-81 truck scales "soooo close" to being finished.*
(*just as soon as we flatten these Appalachians)
Red wolves escape from pen at Explore Park, eat a third-grade class touring the Hofhauger homestead cabin. Explore proclaims "wonders of biodiversity."
\ MAY
New hotel management magnet school to teach "Bellhop subservience made simple."
Radford arsenal to hire 2,000 as World War III escalates in Madrid.
Blue Cross/Blue Shield, Carilion Health Systems and all McDonald's restaurants close in Roanoke.
Roanoke announces that Sid's Texaco will locate on Orange Avenue; could mean as many as three jobs, four if Sid opts for full-serve island.
Sweltering heat marks first weekend of Festival in the Park; fierce thunderstorms spoil second weekend (see 1987, '88, '89, '90, '91 and '92 for details).
First Union and NationsBank agree to merge; 2,000 jobs lost in Roanoke Valley. Warner Dalhouse to serve as Mid-Atlantic Emperor.
\ JUNE
Montgomery County School Board has reservations about authorizing four-day holiday weekend to celebrate "Welcome Home From Prison, Jim Bakker" festivities. Pat Robertson lackeys decry pagan board members.
I-81 truck scales just need a few finishing touches.* (*maybe we ought to detonate those Ozarks out there, while we're at it.)
Bodies of six VA patients found in forsythia bush.
Roanoke County supervisors stalled before awarding a $9 contract for a year's supply of Rolodex cards. Gadfly Don Terp calls for an end to senseless spending.
Sid closes his new Texaco station, two jobs lost.
\ JULY
USAir announces plans to pull out of Roanoke completely. Cooperative extension soil tests conclude that north-south runway at regional airport could support clover or orchard grass. Airport authority buys a dozen Herefords, which are promptly slaughtered by pack of Explore red wolves.
Hotel-management magnet school curriculum adds: "Hospital corners on queen-sized sheets. Three course credits."
It snows.
Roanoke city offers free car to all Gainsboro residents who buy into gold-paved Wells Avenue; Gainsboro to city: "Harrumph."
\ AUGUST
World War III ends. Radford arsenal lays off 1,200 workers. Small team of unemployed rocket-fuel specialists travel to Sweden, where they tell fishermen that Norwegians have been bad-mouthing Swedish anchovies.
I-81 truck stop just needs a couple of light bulbs.*
(*and to spread Tinker Mountain dirt over a flat area twice the size of Connecticut)
Schlota? Tlanger? Strange deja vu about these guys.
New Smith Gap Landfill opens, first trash train chugs up mountain, chanting "It stinks, this can; it stinks, this can."
\ SEPTEMBER
Hotel-management magnet school opens. First day of class is a warm-up discussion: Fantastik or Lysol? Which better cleans and disinfects the bowl?
Steve Agee and Jim Updike, candidates for state attorney general, vie to see who's more down-home country-boy as Bubba vote looms pivotal. Agee chews Red Man at Labor Day parade; Updike heads out for a possum hunt. State Sen. Bo Trumbo advises Agee; Del. Vic Thomas tutors Updike.
A baker's dozen bodies of VA patients found in geraniums outside administrative offices.
\ OCTOBER
Salem High Spartans run record to 6-0 with several talented recruits - er, students - from Indiana.
I-81 truck stop just a window-washing away from opening.*
(*though we'd be a lot closer if we could get our heavy equipment up Pike's Peak in this snow)
Roanoke County supervisors, who've spent millions of dollars in recent years digging one hole for water and another hole for garbage, announce plans to dig one "very big hole" for tax money.
\ NOVEMBER
Troops loyal to Gov. Doug Wilder open fire on Gov.-elect Mary Sue Terry's home in Patrick County. Radford arsenal team rushes home from Norway when they're called back to work.
Gunfire in Patrick Henry High School - Agee and Updike rush to scene to proclaim "Virginians' sacred right to bear arms."
Virginia Tech finishes football season 1-8-2. Coach Frank Beamer retained. Lane Stadium grounds crew dismissed; university's heating and air-conditioning foreman reassigned.
Montgomery County School Board balks at plans for "Happy Birthday, Jesus" celebration in December. Christian fanatics deem entire board to be Satanic cultists.
\ DECEMBER
A late-night knock at Norfolk Southern Corp.'s door. There, in a wicker basket, is the Hotel Roanoke swaddled in blankets. An unsigned note attached: "We cannot take care of this hotel, we hope she finds a better home with you."
Fourteen patients' bodies found in poinsettia plants in VA Medical Center lobby. Three live patients remain indoors. Most medical operations shifted outdoors to best serve our veterans.
I-81 truck scales just need to turn the key.*
(*and just as soon as we shave the top off these Himalayas)
Gainsboro residents offered free long-distance calling for life if they'll buy into Wells Avenue realignment. Gainsboro to city: "Too little, too late."