Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SATURDAY, January 9, 1993 TAG: 9301090011
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
BENNIE: A TRANSLATOR WITH DESIRE
We're now into the playoff season in the National Football League, which will lead to the really big game with the Roman numerals.I know some of you don't look at football on television, but no doubt the excitement and thrills of the playoffs will lure you away from the Discover Channel.
Why, just last week the Buffalo-Houston contest was called "a game for the ages." You don't see one of those every day, boys.
For those of you who don't watch football a lot, I'm offering the following translations of what you'll be hearing from the broadcasters of these events.
"The game is being won in the pits." This means that a least two 300-pound players have been injured seriously, or knocked crazy, by three or more persons of similar weight.
This is the result of "coming to play with your chin strap buckled."
Team B "is beginning to reel a little bit." This is another way of saying that most of the wide receivers on Team B have been injured seriously, or knocked crazy, by Team A's defensive backs.
"The dead spot in the zone." Not the title of a Stephen King novel, but a place on the field in which Team B's receivers have been trying to catch footballs, while hoping to avoid decapitation.
A player is "an original piece of work" when he can mercilessly crash quarterbacks to the ground in a way that would be viewed as attempted manslaughter off the playing fields of America.
This kind of player is often defined as a "young man who brings a lot of desire to the game."
"This has been a team, all year, known as desire." I'm sorry. Even with my vast knowledge of broadcast language, I don't have any idea of what this means.
This has already been said at least once, however, and it may not be repeated, if we're lucky. Why does that remind me of Marlon Brando?
"There's a coach with a lot of poise." This is a description of Team B's coach. He has just thrown his cap and earphones on the ground and good lip readers know he has said something that would cause your Aunt Zelda to beat him about the head and shoulders with her parasol.
"When it's going your way, it's going your way." This means that Team A has just ruined the knees of Team B's star running back.
This running back is known as "a guy who gives a great second effort." That is, he didn't stop running when he should have and has said goodbye to his cartilage.
Enjoy the games this weekend. If one of the commentators says something you don't understand - like "proverbial coverage sack" - don't call me until well after noon on Monday.