Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, January 11, 1993 TAG: 9301090107
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A CHEERFUL OLD BUZZARD
I go around bragging about my low cholesterol, suggesting that this is the result of a clean, monastic life of self-denial that few men, women or children ever achieve.I tend to belittle high-cholesterol types and say things like: "Well, you really should restrain yourself a bit."
Actually, I eat enough cheese to supply Heidi and her grandfather for the winter, but it doesn't show up in my cholesterol.
This is probably a good time to mention that there was a more discreet age in this country when decent people didn't talk about their cholesterol. Indeed, many of them didn't know they had any.
Now that I am aged, these clever research people have suggested that low-cholesterol geezers get depressed easier.
This doesn't start until you're 70, the study found, but the Big Seven-Oh isn't that far away for many of us.
That's right, Luther. You hang in there until 70 and keep your cholesterol low, and one night you'll jump off the Walnut Street Bridge. Or afternoon, since you're retired and tend to go to bed early.
In case some of you out there are about to scream male chauvinist hog, a similar study was done on older women, and there was no link between cholesterol and depression.
The study also found that women of all ages were less depressed when they had at least six credit cards and lived within convenient driving distances of shopping malls the approximate size of Utah.
Ha. Ha. I just made that up. If I'm going to be depressed at 70, I might as well try to have a little fun now.
The obvious thing to do is to immediately insist on eating things that will make your cholesterol go up.
The next time we have broccoli, I'm going to drown it with melted cheese, and when I'm asked why I did that, I'm going to say I did it so I'll be happy in April of 1997.
If I get away with that, Cornelius, I'll let you know.
Boy, it could be kind of fun taking all these precautions against being depressed.
How about bacon, eggs, rolls, real butter, hash browns and buttermilk every morning?
None of that fruit juice. It's too good for you, and forget that bran cereal if you want be a cheerful, if overweight, old buzzard.
And two fast-food burgers for lunch with fries and a shake.
Let's not even think about supper yet.
Listen, you guys. Our generation made this nation great, and we've got a right to be happy at 70.
So, maybe one of these days, somebody will have to dial 911 for us. We'll be laughing all the way to bypass surgery. Right?