OLD TOM WOULD BE PROUD

                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: SATURDAY, January 16, 1993                   TAG: 9301160184
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO  
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium
OLD TOM WOULD BE PROUD
Thomas Jefferson was at Monticello on the Other Side worrying about his copying machine, which was on the fritz again, when the rider came slowly up the foggy, ice-bound mountain.
The rider banged noisly at the door, and the great man, obviously irritated, let him in.
"Aye, yer honor," the rider said. "An' I see yer copyin' machine be broke agin. Ye know, Master Tom, that Over There they be havin' these yung bloods what be dressed up real nice-like tuh fix thim things."
"You should know by now," the Sage of Monticello said, "that I dislike your country banter, which is usually a ruse to delay the passing of bad news."
"Well, Master Tom," the rider said. "Thim Washintun Redskins be out of th' Super Bowl pitcher agin, beggin' yer honor's pardon."
"You know I have no interest in games played by brutal mercenaries, rider," Jefferson said. "Now, out with the ill tidings you must bear or by the deity, I'll put your miserable body to the sword."
"I be wundrin', yer honor, if I mightn't warm me bones by th' fire there fer a bit," the rider said.
"Out with it, you blackguard," Jefferson stormed.
"Well, sor," the rider said, looking longingly at the fire. "It jist be that them Clintons and them Gores be comin' tuh Monteeschello Over There at 8 of th' mornin' tomorrow."
"Eight a.m.?" Jefferson asked. "My God. Have they no sense of time and decency?"
"Not only be them Clintons and Gores comin', yer honor, but a coupla thousand of them poe-liticull groupies be comin', too," the rider said, retreating toward the door.
"And they'll stand by my clever bed Over There and pay lip service to me and go ahead and ruin the country anyway," Jefferson said.
The rider edged closer toward the door. He hadn't seen the Father of the Declaration of Independence so riled since Queen Elizabeth visited Monticello Over There.
"And they'll see this blasted copying machine and patronizingly talk about my genius," Jefferson said. "Nobody will tell them the damnable thing was always broken."
"Aye," the rider said, "an' it's fer sure thim people will be talkin' about an' admirin' yer honor's wunderous wine ellyvater an' yer clock whut cums outta th' floor."
"Yes, well, perhaps it won't dishonor my memory too much," Jefferson said, brightening at the rider's mention of his elevator and clock.
"Come warm yourself by the fire, rider," Jefferson said. "Actually, I do admire the Clintons and Gores. Somehow they sometimes remind one of the 18th century. I do hope, however, that the rabble doesn't mutilate the lawn."

by Bhavesh Jinadra by CNB