Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: SUNDAY, February 7, 1993 TAG: 9302080258
SECTION: EDITORIAL PAGE: F-3 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: MARGIE FISHER EDITORIAL WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
THE REBUTTAL DINNER
A FUNERAL - for, say, the likes of a John Dalton, an A. L. Philpott or an Ed Willey - is what it usually takes to get a throng of 400-plus Virginia political leaders of both parties together under one roof.That was no funeral in Richmond on the last Friday night in January. It was a riot. A laugh riot, to be sure - but one where mirth came perilously close to political mayhem.
Called the First Annual Virginia Rebuttal Dinner, it ostensibly was to provide participating politicians an opportunity to rebut anything that had been said about them in Richmond lawyer Frank Atkinson's book, "The Dynamic Dominion." Everybody (except former Gov. Linwood Holton, who did rebut the book) knew that was just a ruse.
Its real purpose was to imitate Washington's notorious Gridiron dinner; to bring together the state's pols, pundits and press for a light-hearted, off-the-record, bipartisan roast de la roast. And it turned into a wickedly wonderful celebration of one of the most bizarre periods in Virginia's political history:
A period when the Democratic governor, Doug Wilder, establishes a reputation for picking fights with nearly every other Virginia politician - save the aforementioned deceased Dalton, Philpott and Willey.
When a U.S. senator, Democrat Chuck Robb, confesses that he once got au naturel for a rubdown from a former Virginia beauty queen, but emphatically denies that anything unseemly took place.
When bugging devices show up in state Capitol offices, and allegedly in trees outside the Capitol.
When the Democratic attorney general, Mary Sue Terry, gets embroiled in one famous Wilder feud - and sues the governor.
When an old, illegal tape-recording of a Wilder telephone conversation surfaces as "Beach Music" and lands the aforementioned senator in the center of a 19-month federal grand jury investigation.
When the Democratic senator's main defender and apologist is (to the chagrin of Virginia Republicans) the Republican U.S. senator, John Warner.
When the Democratic governor now contemplates suing the Democratic senator.
Is it any wonder that the Rebuttal Dinner went on for nearly four hours? So much to lampoon; so little time.
(A word of necessary explanation: Though it was an off-the-record event, the ground rule laid down by political scientist Larry Sabato, the dinner's emcee and moderator, was that anything said or sung at the event could be used by the media with permission of the sayer or singer. Where I quote, I got express permission.)
A sample of the goings-on:
Three Richmond-based reporters - Richard Real of Roanoke's WDBJ-TV, Bob Kemper of The Daily Press in Newport News, and Mike Gooding of WVEC-TV - did a mock newscast:
This just in . . . Virginia Republicans announced that Lt. Col. Oliver North would be their candidate for the vacant attorney general's spot and Benito Mussolini would oppose Terry for governor. The party's Christian Right expressed reservations about Mussolini, however. "Too moderate," said Anne Kincaid . . .
. . . The Virginia Military Institute reached a compromise with the federal courts today. The all-male school agreed to take on one female rat-ette each year for the next 152 years. The governor will name the rat-ette. Gov. Doug Wilder quickly named his first candidate, D.C. Mayor Sharon Pratt Kelley. VMI admissions counselors immediately drove to Kelley's house, shaved her head, shouted insults at her and drove her to Lexington. Back at the Capitol, Wilder cackled, "All's fair in love and war and I love her madly." . . .
Without a doubt, there were some class acts. Bitingly clever musical satire was offered by Jim Babb, with WWBT-TV in Richmond; by Diane Warren, sister of Republican gubernatorial candidate Clint Miller; and by the hastily formed Capitol Hillbillies - composed of Richmond Times-Dispatch photographer Bob Brown; Richmond City Attorney Tim Oksman; Wilder's legal counsel, Walter MacFarlane; and the executive secretary of the Virginia Board of Bar Examiners, Scott Street.
And there were some surprises.
Who would have predicted that Lt. Gov. Don Beyer would give the most delightfully witty performance? (In his speech, entitled "No More Mr. Nice Guy," Beyer the troublemaker confessed: " I planted the bug in the tree outside the governor's window . . . I stuck the bug under Jay Shropshire's desk - with bubble gum so it would fall out in front of a Republican . . ..") Or that former state GOP chairman Don Huffman of Roanoke ("So We Lost a Few in the Eighties") had a bent for satire? Of course, we expected laughs - and got 'em - from Hampton Sen. Hunter Andrews ("The Art of Being Tart") and the GOP's well-known wag and frequent candidate, Marshall Coleman.
The biggest surprise was that Robb, the recently unindicted, and Wilder were able to sit at the same head table without killing each other. The enmity between those two polluted the air like Agent Orange.
Most folks seemed to think that Robb made the better showing. He took hit after hit - for Tapegate, for all the old drugs-and-sex allegations - and, many say, redeemed himself by being a darn good sport about it. In contrast, many felt Wilder reacted bitterly and behaved like a rattlesnake.
There's some truth to that. But in this instance, I'd say Wilder had cause. I suspect he got tired of watching the recently unindicted Robb wallow in martyrdom and self-righteousness. (In Tapegate, remember, it was Wilder, not Robb, who was the victim. It was Wilder who was smeared by a blistering memo, written by a Robb staff member and leaked to the press, that outlined strategies for damaging Wilder politically.) I suspect, too, that John Warner's cloying defense of Robb was too much for Wilder to stomach. (Me, too.)
So strike he did. Without ever mentioning Robb by name, Wilder indicted Robb for letting three of his staffers take the rap for Tapegate. He as much as warned President Clinton not to trust Robb. ("Take care of your friends, but watch your back.")
Wilder's last words were: "Don't worry. You all have only another year to put up with me. Or do you?"
I'm not sure what he meant, but Robb, who faces re-election in '94, probably got the message. And gulped.
Being of the Alice Roosevelt Longworth school ("if you have nothing nice to say, come sit by me"), I hope there is a Second Annual Rebuttal Dinner. Some say the first left so much blood on the floor that no one will risk it again. But let's look on it as primal-scream therapy for politicians, pundits and the press. Next year, instead of black tux and fancy gowns, wear bullet-proof vests and let the good times roll.