Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, February 15, 1993 TAG: 9302130172
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
DEFENDING RIGHT TO USE SPRAY BOTTLE AS ONE SEES FIT
There was a time when I sneered at government regulation of the private lives of Americans.I once appalled my parents by pulling one of those labels off a mattress, although the label said that was against the law.
My parents waited for the FBI to surround the house and carry me off to the federal slammer, leaving them to "live it down."
But I have found that one of the troubles with aging in this country is that it turns you into a wimp. I don't think President Clinton made any campaign promises to us wimps, so we'll just have to continue to live on the outer fringes of society.
I haven't torn any tags off mattresses since I was approximately 55.
And yet, my fellow Americans, you should not doubt that loathsome federal intervention in our private lives continues to plague the dream our forefathers shed their blood for.
The average American bathroom doesn't seem to be the kind of place in which you would find evidence of such a growing, overweening tyranny.
But, hey, listen, pal. You never know.
The other day I was using one of those spray products to clean the tub and the lavatory. You know. The kind that makes things like bathtubs sparkle with just a little work, which is why all the women in commercials look like they haven't hit a lick of housework in years.
I generally don't read the directions on spray bottles. I figure you just spray the stuff where you want it to go and wipe it off.
I read this label and a strong sense of dread seized me, as we hardly ever used to say in Radford.
The label said that if you use this stuff contrary to the directions, you are in violation of federal law.
The chilling thing here is the broad language. That is, what does the government consider improper use of your spray?
I assume you wouldn't drink it or put it in your ears.
You certainly wouldn't spray your dog or your Aunt Zelda with it.
I'll admit that some of the fire of youth returned and I thought of spraying the bedroom mirror, an activity not suggested by the directions.
But I didn't want all these federal marshals roaring up Happy Highfields Road and upsetting the neighbors.
Actually, I don't know which agency of the powerful, all-pervasive federal government comes to get you if you misuse your spray bottle.
I hope you young people will defy this clear violation of the rights of Americans to use your squirt cleaners any way you choose.
You never know, kids. Bill Clinton may have fired all the people responsible for spray bottle enforcement.