Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, February 15, 1993 TAG: 9302130188
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: JOE KENNEDY STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
TOOLS HELP PARENTS STAY IN TUNE WITH KIDS
As a judge of the Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court serving Roanoke, Roanoke County and Salem, Philip Trompeter sees family problems in many forms.Spouse abuse, child abuse and neglect, separation and divorce and criminal cases where juveniles are the defendants fill his days. From his place on the bench, Trompeter has observed some of the common failings of American families.
Recently, he spoke to the Parent-Teacher Association at Oak Grove Elementary School in Roanoke. His topic: "Building Blocks for Responsible Kids."
"I don't want to hold myself out as some Marian Wright Edelman [president of the Children's Defense Fund]," he said in an interview afterwards. Nor did he want to imply that he possessed magic bullets to destroy the problems youngsters may encounter as they mature.
But, he said, parents can prepare the way for good communication by practicing a few simple tools.
Make sure everyone in your household is talking the same language.
"A lot of times, Mom says one thing and Dad says another," the judge said. "Kids are very good at manipulating one against the other."
This happens often when couples are separated or divorced. No matter how they may feel about each other, they should communicate clearly and consistently to their children.
Know your child's friends and acquaintances.
If you make a point of meeting and talking with their friends when they're young, your children probably won't resent it if you continue the practice into their teen years. If you start to ask only after they've matured a bit, they probably will.
Tell your children your problems.
Don't overwhelm them with your troubles, but let them know about your everyday difficulties and how you surmount them.
"You can't expect a lot of young adults to spill their guts about what's on their minds if they've never felt that they've been a part of that with you," Trompeter said. "Give them a better perspective of what goes on in your life."
Don't emancipate your child in the sixth grade.
"Kids are maturing . . . physically at a younger age," Trompeter said. But "what you see isn't always what you get."
When a child starts to grow up physically, many parents begin to think the hard part of their job is over. They feel comfortable leaving the child at home alone after school or on other occasions.
"I can tell you that it is the trickiest time, from a delinquency standpoint," Trompeter said. Stay around and stay tuned in. Your children still need you.
Set limits.
It's a cliche, but Trompeter said even in the most serious instances of delinquency, "When the court takes control and sets certain limits, in practically all our cases, the response is excellent."
Unfortunately, he said, those limits often disappear when they return to their homes and neighborhoods.
Don't assume that your children, now that they're older, wouldn't appreciate having some limits. They might not say so, but they would.
A school's drug education program is not a vaccination.
"Alcohol and drug prevention is a continuing series of interventions and care," Trompeter said. "Talk about it and monitor it regularly. . . . Where parents make their wrong move is that so many say, `At least my kids are not on drugs,' or, `He just uses alcohol.' "
Alcohol, Trompeter said, is the teen-ager's drug of choice; it's addictive, a prime cause of crash-related deaths and "a gateway drug" to other drugs.
Don't pooh-pooh your child's problems.
Why should your children discuss their teen troubles if you never took an interest in their childhood difficulties? A problem with a ponytail might seem small to an adult, but it could be the biggest thing in the young child's universe. Don't dismiss it. Talk about it.
Don't assume anything. The mall is not just a place to shop.
Lots of things can happen no matter where a child might be. Again, stay on top of your children's associates and whereabouts, and do not allow your kids to go into potentially dangerous situations.
Tell your child you love him or her every day.
Young people are concrete thinkers. They can't divine what you're thinking or how you feel. Let them know.
Grant all reasonable requests.
Do not be a sanctimonious parent who says no just to demonstrate power. Give your children the information they need and the companionship they want. And be fair. Children are "born lawyers," Trompeter said, "intense litigators" with "an intense need to be just and fair."
Trompeter said he believes delinquent behavior of any kind is "a perversion of a child's healthy development."
"I look with the same seriousness upon a kid who shoplifts a sweater as I would with a kid who is trafficking cocaine."
Either act signifies that a child lacks a proper sense of justice and fairness.
Such a child doesn't understand the Golden Rule, he said. "I'm forever fussing at lawmakers and speakers who talk about, `We need to target this and not really look at that.' Any illegal behavior or inappropriate behavior is a matter of concern.
"If you pooh-pooh the minor things like drinking or stealing a sweater and don't get excited until they have a DUI or end up in jail or prison, you're missing the point."
The point is to show them how to live a moral life all the way along.