NEWS FROM THE OTHER SIDE SPOILS ANOTHER OF TOM'S BIRTHDAYS

                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, April 14, 1993                   TAG: 9304140148
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium
NEWS FROM THE OTHER SIDE SPOILS ANOTHER OF TOM'S BIRTHDAYS
Thomas Jefferson was not worried about anything when the rider came up the mountain to Monticello on the Other Side.
His copying machine was acting up again, but it was the Sage of Monticello's birthday, and spring had made the mountain lovely.
"Ah, rider," Jefferson said. "Step down and tell me how wonderfully they are celebrating my birthday Over There."
"Aye, Master Tom," the rider said, staying in the saddle. "They be doin' thet fer shure. They even got thet there Rooshan what got kicked out of his own guvvymint tuh jine in th' big sellybrayshion.
"Here be th' latest co-ree-spondense, if yer honor please, and Ah'll be after bein' on me way."
"Hold on, you knave," Jefferson said, grabbing the reins of the rider's horse. "There's bad news, too. You always bring it to me, you scoundrel."
"It be naught within me heart, Master Tom, to be after roonin' yer honor's birthday with inny bad tidins. Let go me reins and Ah'll be but uh mimry."
"You'll ride down this mountain in worse shape than you came up if you don't tell me the latest bad news," Jefferson stormed. "I suppose it's those salacious magazine people again, eh?"
"Nay, Master Tom," the rider said," thim Playboys bin in what they call th' Big East Con-fer-ence Over There, but not tuh th' yooinversity lately."
"Well, what is it then, you oaf?" Jefferson roared.
The driver said quickly: "It be thim min what's in th' Jefferson Lit-ee-rary n' Debaytin' So-siety. They bin accused of being sexist 'n drinkin' in uh fashun what's agin th' law Over There now."
"What sort of tyranny is this?" the Writer of the Declaration of Independence asked.
"Well, sor," the rider said, "Ah cain't be as clear as I wish becuz I don't keer tuh embar-uss meself, or yer honor, but it wuz sed thet one uv thim fellers told one of thim wimmen thet she got intuh th' so-siety jist becuz she wuz cute n' wore uh short dress."
"Strange," Jefferson said.
"Aye, yer honor," the rider said, "it havin' tuh do with whut they call bein' po-litically co-rect Over There."
"What more, you rascal?" Jefferson asked sadly.
"Well, sor, it was sed wun uh thim fellers re-marked on a certain part of uh female's anatimmy, if ye follow me meanin', and there be more thet Ah cain't bring meself tuh tell."
The rider, blushing furiously, suddenly grabbed his reins from Jefferson's hand and rode hard down the mountain.
"Now there's a rogue who knows how to roon, er, spoil a man's birthday," Jefferson said.

by Bhavesh Jinadra by CNB