Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, April 28, 1993                   TAG: 9304270125
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

OK, WOMENPERSONS, YOU HAVE MY DEVOTION

I haven't said or used in any way the word "broad" since 1973. I also prefer "young woman" to "girlie." I haven't called anybody "honey bunch" or "bright eyes" in at least 15 years.

This is not to mention my refusal to call anybody "Toots" anymore. Interesting thing there. The last time I did that, the young woman thus addressed hit me with her pocketbook.

I no longer comment on the builds of female ice skaters or on the physiques of female gymnasts.

Currently, I'm redefining my position on the use of "maiden name."

I have also devoted a portion of my time to telling of the difficulties women face in these times.

The Associated Press recently reported an appalling example of the extra stamina women must have to exist along with men.

The wire service told women that they should have "a plan of attack" before going to the "outlet stores, off-price shops and department store sales."

Did you ever hear a chauvinist hog of a male who had to have a combat plan when he went to buy new clothes? I doubt it.

Did you know that women ought to dress in a special way, so they'd still have clothes on while trying on dresses in the dressing room?

It's true. To assure more privacy, they should wear a black body suit and tights under pull-on pants or skirts.

The pull-on pants and skirts would also mean a woman could try on more dresses in less time - which does seem to suggest that this would make it possible to try on more dresses, and that this might mean buying more of the same. But forget I said that.

I hate dressing rooms, and never take off more than is necessary. Once, for example, I tried on two pairs of trousers while wearing a heavy parka.

This required a great deal of exertion, and when I came out of the dressing room, the salesman offered me some oxygen.

That's not all. The wire service advised women to wear comfortable shoes, but if the woman in question is going to buy a dress that goes with high heels, she ought to take a pair in her purse.

How'd you like to go around with a pair of wingtips in a paper sack just because you were going to try on a new suit?

The last time I bought a new suit, I wore my Reeboks and got the hell out of there. I also lied about my waistline when I got home.

It's time to lose your chains, womenpersons. Wear your Reeboks - even if you're trying on cocktail dresses.