Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: MONDAY, May 10, 1993 TAG: 9305080180
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: JOE KENNEDY STAFF WRITER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
For younger children, the contest might be to win a spot on the starting baseball team. For those a little older, it might be a class office or a place on the cheerleading squad.
Every challenge has its upside and downside. Some questions for parents are: how much competition should we expose our children to and at what age? And how do we help them deal with the consequences, whether they win or lose.
So says Dana C. Ackley Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in Roanoke, who adds that kids can better put competition in perspective as they grow older. What is a suitable challenge for a 12-year-old could be too much for an 8-year-old, and no big thing for someone who is 16.
We like to think that only losers have problems and that winners have lives of ease. Ackley says both can be affected by the hand of fortune.
"The danger of losing is that the child will equate himself with the loss," he says. "He might say stuff like `I am a loser,' while at the same time screening out the various areas where he is successful.
"The problem with winning is that the expectations from oneself or from others might be based too much on that win. Kids might think they are better musicians or beauty queens than they really are. They can feel the pressure and be terrified about having to live up to it."
It is good for our children to take on challenges and give their best, Ackley says. But, "We as a society seem to be in a great hurry to drive intense competition down into younger and younger ages.
"Experiencing an overwhelming competitive experience can be as harmful as an overwhelming sexual experience at too young an age."
When your child faces stiff competition, it's best to discuss the challenge in advance. Parents should help their children put it in perspective by pointing out that whatever happens, they will be the same people they were before.
"We want to warn them not to get caught up in other people's loss of perspective on what this event means," Ackley says. "We should especially warn them about adults who lose perspective.
"Children must begin to learn that some adults cannot handle competition well, just as they must learn that some adults don't handle work or sex or alcohol well."
If the child suffers a loss and the parents haven't tried to prepare her, they can still present the message, though the task is tougher.
"We certainly can expect disappointment, frustration, tears and some period of mourning the loss," Ackley says. "All are well within normal limits."
When the opportunity arises, parents should respond to statements that indicate the child is equating himself with a particular outcome.
"The kids who win cheerleading spots must clean their rooms, do chores, do their homework," Ackley says. "They're still just kids - people with no special privileges.
"Likewise, for those who lose a particular event, it helps to remind them that their particular skills are better suited to other pursuits, or that they might do better the next time they try out."
Adults who think a child's victory or loss is life-determining "have pretty limited goals," Ackley says, as well as a stunted appreciation for the variety and complexity of life.
Boys and girls may express their feelings differently after wins and losses, but the feelings themselves are much the same, the psychologist says. In particular, "Each can be vulnerable to the `I'm-a-loser' self-statements."
Do not be surprised, he says, if your talk of perspective seems to fall on deaf ears.
"It gets in there and they hear it," Ackley says. You might want to tell them, with empathy, "It sure hurts, honey, doesn't it? You really wanted this."
Ackley says when kids know they've been heard, we can tactfully give the other side by saying, "I don't agree this makes you a loser. When we lose things that are important to us, we can forget the things that we're good at, the times we've been successful, the opportunities that still await us."
Don't force your children to talk about their pain, but be available when they bring it up, Ackley says.
"I would certainly want to have some opportunity for input within the first 24 to 48 hours."
After they've had their say, and after you've made your attempt to provide perspective, you might want to delicately share a setback or two of your own.
"Then they might ask you the key question: `How did you handle it?' Then they're asking for advice about how to process and handle the experience."
But our experiences shouldn't be the centerpiece of our reaction to our child's defeat.
"This," Ackley says, "is theirs."
by CNB