Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, May 26, 1993                   TAG: 9305260224
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

OH, FOR THE DAYS OF CHATTY CATHY

I didn't want to do it because a lot of those cartoon shows on television are pretty dumb. But I am a man who sees his duty clearly.

I am here to report that this show is both dumb and disgusting.

I mean, if they had showed cartoons like that in the Radford Theater, the mothers of that city would haved burned the building down.

I don't know which is which, but the main characters in this clever series are what appears to be a small Mexican dog that talks like Peter Lorre and another animal that appears to be a bear who doesn't talk like anybody I ever knew.

Make no mistake, gentle reader: We are not talking about "Bambi" here.

In one of these shows, the little dog refuses to brush its teeth and they all rot in a most disgusting way, and halitosis then becomes a major theme of the episode.

The little dog pulls out all of the remaining nerve endings in his mouth so that he can put them under his pillow so that ... well, I don't want to belabor this kind of stuff.

I guess you could say this business with the rotting teeth was a message that girls and boys should brush their teeth. Why is it I think there might be a more attractive way to say that?

In addition, these animals, in some of their purest moments, make disgusting sounds that we can't discuss in any detail in a family newspaper.

I am also told that some of the episodes deal with animal mucous and fur balls, and I am glad I haven't see any of those.

The little dog and other animals are routinely smashed flat, and eyes fall out. Good stuff like that.

There are very expensive stuffed replicas of Ren and Stimpy that make the above-mentioned noises when they are squeezed.

It all kind of makes you wonder whatever happened to those nice, well-bred dolls who said nice things when you pulled their string and made no revolting noises.

What I am saying is something I thought I'd never say, which is: "Chatty Kathy, where are you now that we need you?"

Ren and Stimpy are the sorts that make the Barbie doll look good -- although I am in no way suggesting that my grandsons start playing with Barbie dolls.

I'm unable to suggest any action parents might take. Ren and Stimpy probably are protected by the First Amendment -- although I don't recall it guaranteeing the right to make loathsome noises.

We'll just have to hope they don't get in drugs and fast females, I guess.