
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: FRIDAY, May 28, 1993                   TAG: 9308230300
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A11   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: DAVID A. MADDOX
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

IT TOOK me forever to get to sleep last night. When I finally did, I didn't really sleep too well, and that stupid Diet Pepsi commercial is to blame. It kept going off in my head, over and over, like an eight-track tape. Remember eight-track tapes? This one just wouldn't wear out.

Anyway, when I finally did get to sleep, I dreamt that the wife and I were snowed in a mountain chalet. All alone, we had a bottle of wine, a roaring fire, and our luggage was lost in an avalanche. Gosh darn.

= r Just as I was about to slip my hands around her waist, Ray Charles appeared outta nowhere with the "Uh-Huh Girls," singing and dancing around a baby grand piano. "Uh- huh! Uh-huh!" And if that wasn't bad enough, that dude from Lake Edna showed up and chased after us with a bucket of KFC. I'm scared. I'm afraid jingles are going to take over my mind. Those suckers will just sneak up on a person. You don't realize it until it's too late: You're in the shower. Just as you start to lather up, it hits you: "I'm toning up from my head to my toes!"

Or you're in the drive-through, trying to decide on a breakfast biscuit, when it hits you again: "Are you ready?! Are you ready, ready, ready?"

Fixing dinner: "I feel like chicken tonight!"

Driving your car: "I love what you do for me ... "

The next thing you know, you're running and screaming out in the streets, dozens of jingles stuck in your head, driving you ever so close to the brink of madness.

Why do these things stick with us? I'd like to know who these marketing geniuses are. And where they live. I'd be willing to bet that the catchier the jingle, the more bucks these clowns get paid.

Is there anything we can do? Can we erase them from our minds? And, if that is possible, how do we keep from having a relapse? I've never heard of any support groups to help remove stuck songs from our heads. Jingle-anon, maybe? How about hypnosis? Or a brain wipe?

I've gone as far as developing my own techniques of self discipline. Once, when the ever-popular Kroger commercial got stuck in my head ("Listen to the sound ... "), I would slap myself upside the head each time I'd catch myself humming the tune. I had to quit that when my wife decided she wanted to help and started following me around the house with a baseball bat. Not to mention the dizzy spells I started experiencing. And the bloody nose. And the blackouts.

I wonder if the surgeon general is aware of this problem. These jingles have become hazardous to our health. It's a good way to get killed by our loved ones. If it gets any worse, it could cause major delays in our already backed up court systems. Before you know it, you find yourself on trial.

"I had to kill her, your honor. She kept singing that damn `Chicken Tonight' jingle. I warned her three times before I snapped. I just couldn't take it anymore. I admit beating someone with a whole fryer isn't exactly civil, but she kept going on and on. `I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight!' Then she started that stupid dance. Even the dog ran away."

"OK," the judge says, "I'll let you off this time with a $500 fine ... CHA-CHING, BADA-BING! Next!"

"Next case, your honor," the bailiff declares, "Ms. Leslie Parker claims she shot her husband in a Burger King because he kept singing `BK TeeVee! I love this place!'''

"God, I need to get another job." \

David Maddox of Roanoke is a computer programmer.

by CNB