Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: TUESDAY, June 1, 1993                   TAG: 9306010207
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: F-3   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: SAM G. RILEY
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Long

JUST ADD MONEY

There are, of course, a few naysayers and doubting Thomases hereabouts who don't think such a plan makes good sense. Some of these people of little faith point out that Roanoke already has prestigious Hollins College, not to mention Roanoke College - even if it is located in Salem.

Also, there is the piffling argument that Virginia's largest university, Virginia Tech, is just 45 minutes from Roanoke - 45 minus 6 if the "smart road" gets built. The doubters are saying that building a new university so close to Tech would be an unnecessary duplication of effort. I say, why not instead view it as a mere coincidence?

In fact, I'd like to offer my help, and I believe I have a lot to contribute. Having worked at three universities, I consider myself something of an authority on them. Not only that, but I've often thought I'd like to start my own university. I would have, too, but for the inconvenient matter of several hundred million dollars standing in my way.

So here we are, Roanoke and myself, meeting at a historic crossroads of opportunity. Roanoke wants its own university, mainly for the purpose of stimulating economic development, and I've always wanted my very own university, to be set up and operated just the way I think everything should be done. Talk about your happy coincidences.

But that's not all. At this opportune moment for major public-building initiatives, we could have the help of Gov. Douglas Wilder. As everyone knows, he just loves to fund higher education and has already showered the state's university system with extra money during his years in office.

I say let's strike while the iron is hot. Let's cut off long-winded, unproductive debate on this issue and get on with the necessary planning.

First, we'll need a name for this new institution. In all fairness, "Roanoke University" would sound too much like Roanoke College, and surely any name with Big Lick in it is out of the question.

Probably some of the city's major promoters will suggest "Explore University," but this might confuse the tourists soon to come in droves off the Blue Ridge Parkway.

Until recently, the Roanoke business community might have wanted to name the new school after Warner Dalhouse. But "Dalhouse U"? Forget it.

Finding just the right name is a thorny problem, all right, but I have a solution to suggest. Let's call it - now, please don't think me immodest - Sam's University. I like that. It's short, unlike Virginia Polytechnic Institute & State University. It's easy to remember and unusual. It sounds plain and honest. Sort of like "Sarah, Plain and Tall."

We will, of course, have to take care that people don't confuse it with the businesses founded by the late zillionaire Sam Walton. Or maybe not. Roanoke, if you can interest that Sam's heirs in funding this thing, swell. We can tell Gov. Wilder thanks, but never mind.

Now that we have a school name, we must move on to the next most important question. What's that, you say? What courses of study shall we offer? No, dummie, not that. What to call the athletic teams!

Since Roanoke is a railroad town, I'm sort of partial to the "Battling Brakemen." But if it's OK by you, I'd like to call the cheerleading squad the "Samettes."

For our team mascot, I suggest the Trackie Bear. What's a "Trackie?" people will ask. You can have fun giving them vague answers, just as we do now at Tech when asked, "What's a Hokie?"

Next most important item: the school's development office. As a brand-new university, we'll need someone really first-rate at raising more and more and more money. Who's that, you say? David Hayden? He's done lots of fund raising, true, but he might frighten some of our more timid donors. What we need is a real presence - someone who could go head to head with Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell. I suggest Mother Teresa, if she's game for a real challenge.

Next item of business: the university's administration. No problem. Since this will be Sam's University, I'll be president-for-life and personally make all the important decisions.

Let's see. What's next? Oh yes, the extension division. Let's go for Tai Collins as its director. We'll need someone especially presentable to work with your tireless president on special projects at our outreach offices in Paris, Baden-Baden, Vienna and Monte Carlo.

Finally, of marginal importance but still necessary, what shall we teach at this new university?

Since these are the '90s and times are not altogether flush, I suggest taking a conservative line on this one. Let's stick with the basics - programs that bring in large federal, foundation and corporate grants. We'll go with scientific, technical and professional programs only.

For starters, I foresee the Bottom Line School of Business Administration and the Viaduct School of Urban Planning. Also the On-Track School of Engineering. No mechanical, electrical, nuclear, or aerospace engineering, please. Roanoke's a railroad town, you know. We'll just train the kind of engineers that drive trains.

Humanities? Liberal arts? Why bother? Nobody cares about that stuff anymore. Forget general education. Stick with training. That's where the money is. Remember, we're in this thing for the bucks.

Roanoke, let's get behind Sam's University. Don't let the naysayers dissuade you.

Keep firmly in mind that this is America, and it is every city's inalienable, God-given right to have its own major university.

Come on! Gimme an S . . .

Sam G. Riley is a professor of communication studies at Virginia Tech.