
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, June 21, 1993                   TAG: 9306190155
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: BEN BEAGLE
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

BELLY UP TO `BENNIE'S PLACE' WITH SEAN AND SHIRLEY

Now they have a survey that found television slights women, old people and minorities.

Actually, the wire story said "senior citizens." I substituted "old people" because the phrase "senior citizens" gives me a lust to kill.

I haven't noticed that television doesn't pay me or my fellow old people enough attention.

But if this is true, I think we ought to do something about it. Into the breach, as we almost never said in Radford.

I don't really care all that much, but it gives an old man something to do.

This report suggests that we need a really great television series about old people, and I'm willing to give the networks a idea or two for free.

It's not going to be easy. You have to be careful with a series like this. You can't fool around with sex a whole lot or have characters who grab themselves in their crotches in public in real life.

We can't have a series like "Dallas" or "Knots Landing." Old people are too tired, or too smart, to do a lot of the things the plots for shows like that demand.

I suggest a series called "Bennie's Place" about this non-alcoholic bar run by the wonderful, flawless man of 66. This guy is so good nobody gets really close to him for fear of getting burned if he gets taken to Heaven in a Pillar of Fire.

It's a homey place. Interesting old people come in all the time to use the telephone to call the 800 Social Security number, and there is never a shortage of operations for people to talk about.

It'll be up to the writers to come up with the plots, but I'll them right now they could do worse than have Shirley MacLaine as a guest. In this segment, she could teach everybody about channeling for old folks.

I'm also not expert enough to cast this series' regulars. But I don't see why Sean Connery couldn't play Bennie.

I happen to know there is only a three-year age difference. And there are several physical similarities. They both have noses and breathe.

Jean Simmons would be a natural for Bennie's wife. She is a mere two years younger than he is.

I know some of you youngsters are saying you need some va-va-voom types in a TV series. You guys should know that Shirley MacLaine's legs are still very good for a woman who is only six years younger than Bennie.

We'll have humor and treat social issues bravely - like Medicare deductibles - while some of the folks get trashed on herbal tea.

It might be a good idea to have Gene Autry in a guest spot, if they don't let him sing.

An old folks' show is no place for songs about the sun going down.

by CNB