Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: TUESDAY, June 29, 1993 TAG: 9309220304
SECTION: EXTRA PAGE: 1 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: Neil Chethik
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
And then, in the living room, sitting alone on the couch a few minutes later, he feels it for the first time. Anger. Anger at her.
Three weeks earlier, she had come to him. ``I'm pregnant,'' she had said with obvious distress. And then, quickly, ``I'm going to have an abortion.''
His heart had gone out to her. Though lovers for just three months, these two 26-year-old college students had begun to talk about a future together. She needed him now, and he would respond. He held her when she cried, accompanied her on doctor visits, drove her to get the abortion, and paid for it.
When it was finally over, though, sitting alone on that couch, he felt his own anguish, his own resentment, rise in his chest. Why hadn't she talked with him before she decided to end the pregnancy? Why hadn't she trusted him? Why had she left him out?
Such strong feelings are common for men in abortion situations. Faced with the life-altering possibility of becoming a father, yet without control over the final decision, many men feel powerless, frustrated and angry.
Yet they usually don't admit those feelings. Overshadowed by the woman's more immediate needs, men often bury their emotions. At least until later.
Then, as in the case of the couple mentioned above, the feelings smolder, flare and bring the relationship down.
In the days after this abortion, the man did not confront his girlfriend with the anger he felt. He had been hurt once, and he didn't want to risk being hurt any more.
``With my bubble burst, it was hard for me to move back into the relationship at the same level,'' he says today, 13 years later. ``We were in love. But in some way, her decision to exclude me [from the abortion decision] put parameters on the depth of our relationship.
``I believed a situation around pregnancy involved a couple, and the discussion about what to do would happen at a time when the decision had not already been made.
``The relationship never really got back to the way it was,'' he continues. ``There was a distance between us after that, a hardening. For me, the relationship's potential had been diminished. ... Looking back, the pregnancy was an opportunity for building trust. And we let it get away.''
The couple continued to date, on and off, for more than a year after the abortion. Then, amid acrimony not directly related to the abortion, they broke up.
He does not regret the actual abortion. He is happily involved with another woman, and plans to have a family with her. But he still holds some bitterness toward his old girlfriend.
Though he never found out why she didn't discuss the abortion decision with him, he figures that she was afraid he might have wanted to have the child.
In fact, he says, he would have brought up that option. But, in the end, he maintains, ``I would have supported any decision she would have made. It's her body, and I knew my opinion would only carry so much weight - not as much as hers. I understand that and believe that to be the best thing.''
He also believes that in some situations, it's responsible for a woman to make the decision on her own, especially when a man has been abusive or unsupportive in the past. But he was not that way, he says.
Still, he takes some of the responsibility for the demise of their relationship.
``I have both resentment and regret'' about the whole situation, he says. ``The resentment is that she didn't talk with me. The regret is that I wasn't aware enough of my own feelings to tell her about them. That might have made a difference.''
\ MEN-TION
Percentage of pregnancies terminated by abortion
All women: 29
Teen-agers: 41
Women 40 and over: 44
Unmarried women: 56
The Alan Guttmacher Institute
\ Male call
Men: What have your abortion experiences been like? Women: How have men helped or hurt you during your abortion experiences?
Send comments and questions about men to ``The Men's Column,'' in care of the Features Department, Roanoke Times & World-News, P.O. Box 2491, Roanoke 24010-2491.
by CNB