Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: WEDNESDAY, July 7, 1993                   TAG: 9307070090
SECTION: EXTRA                    PAGE: 1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ben Beagle
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

THESE GUYS ARE LOST IN THE WOODS

Now cut that out. We're not talking about going into the bush with couple of bearers and Ava Gardner or Deborah Kerr, in search of a bloody ivory poacher or two.

That kind of thing probably is against the law in Virginia.

The federation isn't interested in Ava or Deborah or elephants. It's interested in smaller animals. Birds, frogs, bats, snakes, squirrels, spiders, caterpillars, rabbits, butterflies. Well, you get the idea.

Hey. listen. We're serious here. You do things right and you can have a certified habitat in your backyard. Not just anybody can say that, pal.

What you do is just let your backyard return to the wilderness. If a tree falls down, for example, leave the chainsaw where it is. Animals love fallen trees. Especially snakes.

I would like to say here that I have a head start on my habitat. There are already about two million spiders around and the squirrels multiply radpidly because they eat all the birdseed.

I don't know if the federation counts gnats and ants as proper habitat subjects, but we have plenty of those, too.

But, listen, we're serious here. Think of how fulfilling it would be to turn your backyard into a haven for all these things - including snakes.

Think of how proud you'll be when you have some folks over for a drink on the deck and one of them asks why you're so sloppy with your backyard.

And you say; "Yes, that's my certified Backyard Wildlife Habitat. I'm frightfully proud of it. If you'd like to go down in there,I can show you all these terribly poisonous snakes. One little nip and, blam, you're on the way to glory, pal."

Or you could sip your gin and quinine water and listen to the noises coming from the habitat and say things like: "There's something badly amiss in the bush, old chap. I should suspect a rogue squirrel as the cause. What?"

I unfortunately won't be able to join you in the habitat movement.

The first thing I thought about was how making the backyard into a habitat would mean I'd no longer have to mow it. This would mean that I would no longer collapse every Wednesday afternon, which takes a toll on your health after a while.

But this is not to be.

If we let the backyard grow up, our dog Skeeter, who has been nuts since birth and is now also well along in years, would get lost in there and I'd have to get up a party and hack my way in with a machete.

I would not like to do this on account of the snakes, spiders and bats that would be in there.