Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, July 8, 1993 TAG: 9307070468
SECTION: PARENT'S GUIDE PAGE: PG-4 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: By BECKY HEPLER
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
The way children spend their time is one of those things that underscores the changes our society has endured. Ask parents in their 30s and 40s about their childhood and they remember lots of unstructured time to read, to hustle up games of baseball or "kick-the-can," swimming in the summer, sledding in the winter and just playing with friends.
Today's youngsters no longer have that luxury of unplanned time. There are dance lessons, piano lessons, gymnastics, art classes, Little League, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, after-school care and a host of other demands upon their time. Their appointment book is as thick as their parents'.
The two-income household is one factor. For those kids not quite old enough to be left alone yet too old for a baby-sitter and whose parents both work, scheduled activities can help bridge the gap between the time when school lets out and the parents get home.
There are others reasons parent enroll their children in a variety of activities. One may be that they hope to find untapped talent in their children, or they may want to help them develop interesting hobbies or become well-rounded individuals. Besides, while parents may have forgotten the boring hours of practice, their shining moment in the spotlight at the piano recital remains etched in their memory and they want their children to have similar thrills.
The question, then, arises: How much is enough? When is it too much? What are the guidelines that help you distinguish between genuine interest by the child and merely your vicarious interests? How can you find after-school care that addresses the needs of the children?
The best measure is your child. Parents should pay particular attention to the developmental needs of their children. Nancy Morgan, who directs the after-school program at Rainbow Riders Childcare Center says 5- and 6-year-olds who have spent the day in a regimented, structured school setting are in dire need of free time to play.
"We have some structured activities for them so they know what to expect, but leave the choice up to them," she said. "After being in school all day, they need time where decide what they want to do, including doing nothing if they are tired because that regimen of school takes a lot of energy."
Another hallmark of this age group is they are still learning about life away from home and parents, so sustained relationships with a few adults may be more appropriate than a program that requires them to relate to a new adult with every change of activity. That is something parents may want to look for in the after-school program they choose for their kindergarten and first-grader.
Developmentally speaking, 9- and 10-year-olds are going to be more amenable to the structure of lessons than younger children, who are still more interested in the process of something rather than the product that comes from an activity.
"I think parents are sometimes too quick to jump into formal lessons when a child shows interest in an area like music or art or sports," said Janet Sawyers, head of Virginia Tech's Child Development lab.
"Creativity research has shown that we need to be careful about rushing children. A retrospective look at creative adults in several different fields pointed out that all of them had been allowed an opportunity to thoroughly explore their area before they were introduced to formal lessons," she said.
"In early years, say under 10, I think it's unhealthy to emphasize outcome, to encourage highly competitive attitudes," said Paula Markham, of Counterpoint Counseling. Markham specializes in family therapy.
"Left to their own devices, children are less goal-directed. Play is the important thing, not the product," she continued. "It's the adults who are goal-oriented to things like winning in sports, or performance in dance or music, and that can create problems for the child."
Competition creates other problems in families with more than one child. Children are always comparing themselves to their siblings, sometimes to negative results. Sawyers said parents should try hard to minimize this kind of competition by directing children to different activities, different instruments, different specialties so that each person can have expertise in something.
Once children find an activity they are interested in, Morgan said parents should set up an agreement with the child that he or she will carry through to an agreed upon time before quitting because the interest has died.
This can be tricky because things like sports, music or dance all take time to develop the expertise that makes these activities enjoyable and children can become frustrated enough before that happens to want to quit. A scheduled amount of time teaches perseverance and helps ensure the decision to quit is based on rational reasons rather than frustration.
Once the decision is made under the terms of the agreement, however, the children's wishes should be respected. Piano lessons against their will is a waste of your money and their time and it can kill forever any love for the instrument.
"If it's important to you that your child experience something, your best bet is modeling, showing your own interest in it," said Markham. "If you love something, they'll pick up that it's fun and satisfying. Research has shown that the most profound factor in getting children interested in reading is to reading with them at a young age."
The one thing parents need to be very careful about is using television as a substitute for care.
"It's so addictive," Markham said. "Even when people have gone through those experiments to give up television and they see for themselves first hand all the positive experiences they have, such as talking with the family, reading, etc., they STILL want it back."
With regard to how many scheduled activities are too much, your child is your best guide. Even when they don't tell you, and some children won't because they themselves are very achievement oriented or they have internalized parental expectations, their actions will tell. Their schoolwork suffers, they show signs of stress, they're always tired, in many ways parents should see their children aren't happy.
Sawyer suggested that if the weekdays are very busy, parents should try to keep the weekends free for family time. "Our lives are so full of stimulation, we all, children included, need some downtime to deal with this arousal level," she said.
In other words, children need to play.
by CNB