Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, July 8, 1993 TAG: 9307070470
SECTION: PARENT'S GUIDE PAGE: PG-2 EDITION: NEW RIVER VALLEY
SOURCE: By JOANNE ANDERSON
DATELINE: LENGTH: Medium
Welcome to the unpredictable world of pre-adolescent behavior - a time of change, searching, testing and personal uncertainty.
"Recognizing this change as a natural, predictable process whereby the adolescent is trying to establish an individual identity - apart from the family - is imperative to handling it well," says Cecile James, a Blacksburg licensed professional counselor who specializes in family matters. "The adolescent time is very important in shaping the adult-to-be; and one of a parent's best courses of action is to maintain a supportive, non-judgmental role."
Parents can contribute positively at this time by providing the security of a loving, stable home. Peer pressure increases, but with parents who can be flexible while knowing when to draw the line, most kids can resist negative influences.
William C. White, father of five and a clinical psychologist with offices in Radford and Roanoke says this can be a time of real testing.
"Pre-teens start distancing themselves from the parents. Some parents sense they are losing control and get directive. The children rebel, the parents tighten up and a battle for control ensues," he said.
It may be a time of risk taking, intensified deception and challenging the powers that be at home and school, warns White.
"The father is desperately needed now. Mothers are the major target during rebellion, and they can become overwhelmed by this resistance to their authority. Fathers are being sized up for the first time now, and they need to be on hand to help the mother and the kids."
Fathers especially need to be involved in the youngsters' lives, as examples for boys and for male approval for girls, who otherwise will seek out attention and favor from boy friends. How misconduct is handled by parents can have a great impact on subsequent behavior," says White.
Cecile James suggests that parents be alert to changes in their own lives, too.
"It can be a difficult time for parents who face middle age and are experiencing uncertainty about where they fit in their careers and relationships. It is particularly important during this time that the parent not succumb to the level of the child, but maintain an adult perspective and a healthy outlook on accepting their child," she said.
There's a delicate balance between providing rules and structure while allowing room for the pre-adolescent to make decisions and mistakes. Allow your youngsters to think and speak for themselves even if you don't agree with them. Solicit their opinions on different issues like political matters, rearranging the patio furniture or where to go on vacation. Include them in conversations with adults.
When problems begin to surface that are clearly beyond the bounds of exploring self-identity, such as lying, disobedience and breaking the rules, parents need to impose consequences and review the rules and rewards to help kids know what is expected and clearly what is unacceptable.
Communication is extremely critical throughout the life of the child, and it begins when parents are not too busy or too tired to listen. It really works when adults stop talking, because no one can listen and talk simultaneously.
Giving your undivided attention requires that you stop what you're doing, establish eye contact and direct yourself toward the kid. Beyond hearing the words, be receptive to the real message and attentive to body language. Tone of voice and gestures, for example, may more accurately reveal what's going on than what is being said. Not to be heard is to be rejected and manifests itself in feelings of withdrawal and unworthiness.
Young people are evolving from youngsters safe in the confines of elementary schools and family bonds into the more socially and academically demanding ages and school grades. And White contends they are not well-prepared for this. Studies have shown the sharpest declines in self-esteem occur during the middle school years, particularly among girls.
All kids need answers to tough questions from someone who accepts them, listens to and loves them and allows them to develop their own personalities and preferences. Young people need to make and be responsible for their own decisions, but they still need limits. Making mistakes is a vital part of growth and maturity.
Living with a pre-adolescent child will seem like the best of times and the worst of times. And it is. Is it the age of self-doubt and the epoch of conflict. But someone named Logan P. Smith once said, "Don't laugh at youth for his affectations; he is only trying on one face after another to find his own."
by CNB