Roanoke Times
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: THURSDAY, July 15, 1993 TAG: 9307150450
SECTION: PARENT'S GUIDE PAGE: PGS-7 EDITION: METRO
SOURCE: By SARAH COX
DATELINE: LENGTH: Long
When they say, "I hate you," they really mean, "I'm frustrated." And when that phase boomerangs during your child's preteen and adolescent years, when they are egocentric, sensitive, frustrated children trapped inside rapidly maturing bodies, the advice of experts remains the same.
It's possible to have a positive relationship with these children of yours, who were once completely comprehended and are now enigmas, but, says Lee Cooper of the Lewis-Gale Psychiatric Center, "certain things need to happen in the family. Adolescents want independence, but at the same time they need love and support."
Kind of like the support you gave your toddler when he ventured out of the room, then ran back to make sure you were still there. This is just on a grander scale.
Developing strategies of communication is vital.
Sallie Noonkester, a licensed professional counselor with Counseling Services, stressed that conflict is going to be there. But not answering anger with anger is one of the keys.
Another key is to make sure you can really hear, really listen to what your children are saying underneath their coded anger. Talk with them, not at them. Ask their opinions on the state of the world, about music, about their friends.
"You don't have to agree, but show your willing to hear it," said Cooper.
Starting early, said Cooper, is important. "Parents need to listen. What they usually do is hear that something is not going right - for instance, sibling rivalry, unfair chores - when they should really listen to what the child is saying.
"Also, let your child know what you're feelings are, and be a model for your child. Most children will respond to honesty. We find that once they get through their anger, they listen and respond to you," he said.
Cooper said one of the most important things is for parents to be a good example for their children.
"Let them see some of your emotions. When you're having a tough time, let them see that. But they don't need to know everything that goes on in your personal life. That's pretty scary for them," he said.
Cooper suggests developing successful problem-solving techniques. A family meeting is one way, where children and parents listen to all the suggestions, then everyone (and he means everyone) goes to their own room and thinks about solutions.
"Children, and especially adolescents, know when they're giving crazy solutions. Rather than `we don't care what you think,' " said Cooper, this conveys the message that parents are willing to listen.
"Sometimes you're surprised that they can come up with solutions," he said. Parents still remain the decision makers, and they still must be firm. The strategy here is to take the stance that "it's okay to be angry, but we're going to do it my way this time. They still want to get their way, but this is a power struggle you don't want to lose," said Cooper.
Another suggestion he had was to give your adolescent responsibilities and establish rules. If they break the rules, then you take away freedom and responsibilities. But what if they don't remember the "rules" as you do? Cooper says get it in writing. A contract is meant to help keep things clear.
"There is a part of them that wants the structure - they know when they break it and they know it's bad for them. I've never really met one yet that didn't want some [responsibility]. We hear that a lot - what they really want is people who care about them, and one way to show that love is getting reasonable rules and showing an interest in them," said Cooper.
And naturally what follows rules are consequences. The results are something both parties can agree on before hand. Many parents, said Cooper, are functioning out of isolation. They don't know what are the socially and ethically acceptable rules and consequences because we don't seem to gather and gossip as much as our mothers and fathers did, he said.
So one way to discover solutions is to ask other parents, and if things get real rough, seek a professional counselor.
Noonkester said she has been asked to speak to a number of different groups and at schools on the subject of teen-agers. Sometimes listening to professional advice can help, she said.
Noonkester says she believes that much of the conflict between parents and children arises naturally out of the huge changes occurring in the adolescents.
Parents' expectations change for their children because their kids are so much bigger, and adults tend to forget that their children still want their emotional needs to be met, she said. Another reason is that during this process of changing, adolescents are constantly challenging the limits, and both parents and children are under a lot of stress.
"I think what happens is a lot of times parents forget to look at the world through their children's eyes. They misread their children, who often say things out of anger and frustration," she said. And it's up to the adults to maintain a relationship with their children, realizing that everyone will have to make adjustments.
A lot of times, parents are the ones who have to make the first move because their children are not intellectually mature enough. They tend to be more impulsive, and their rude behavior is indicative of underlying anger and frustration.
Noonkester said it's important for parents to provide an environment where their children can express their feelings and be heard, and ultimately, unconditionally loved no matter what happened in school that day.
You never give up, she said. Continue to examine how to best reach your child, respect their need for privacy, but let them know at all times that you love them. Noonkester said she believes parents need to regard parenting more seriously - as a job - and become better informed through books and seminars.
"It's so important. It's one of the most important things you do, to raise a child," she said.
Other suggestions Noonkester has are to reassess your family situation - are you too involved in too many things? Are you spending enough time with each other? And re-evaluate your tone of voice. Even though you are the final authority, reach out to them, and at times, learn how to apologize.
Joanne Chiglinsky, a licensed clinical social worker at the Appalachian Counseling Center, said building a relationship through the years with your teen-ager is important. The basis of trust is then established, and perhaps it won't be quite as scary to let these young adults venture out on their own. But always, she said, maintain that emotional home base, just as you were home base for them as toddlers.
"Parents get scared. Adolescents are supposed to be venturing out and it's scary to determine how far is too far; you have to learn to be flexible," she said.
There are no rules written down. You have to base it on your own child, what's good for him or her and what's good for you.
"Give them a little rope, and don't jerk it back and don't not pull it back in. Be aware of the danger signs," she said.
Cooper says he likes teen-agers' honesty, free spirit, humor, and wanting to change the culture. "It's better than being apathetic," he said.
Noonkester, who has a 16-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son, said that they really enjoy being a family together. She said parents need to lighten up and have a sense of humor, and even let things go.
Set aside a time for play where problems are not discussed, and do things together that your children like to do, even if you don't think you'd enjoy it. Or at least find a middle ground. If you establish family time from the beginning, your children are going to be used to doing things as a family unit.
"I've sent fathers and daughters out on dates; they need to know that at least somebody loves them," said Noonkester.
You can make it into a positive experience, she said, basing this on both personal and professional knowledge. She said that on weekends, her family does not let itself get bogged down with chores. They have fun. And with teen-agers, she said, you can have a lot more fun because they can keep up.
Chiglinsky said that part of learning to enjoy your teen-agers is to listen empathetically, rather than taking the advisory role all the time. Scheduling "talk" time is a bit false, because they may not be ready to share with you.
"We have to make a priority of being parents," she said. "It's so sad to see kids who really feel their parents don't have time for them or care for them. Once they reach adolescence, if they don't have that relationship with you, they don't have anything to separate from, and you have a hard time pulling them back in," she said.
by CNB