
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: MONDAY, July 19, 1993                   TAG: 9307200578
SECTION: EDITORIAL                    PAGE: A6   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: TEENA TRENT
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

HOLDING DOWN THE IMPORTANT JOB OF `MOM'

I READ Melanie Hatter's July 13 Off-Beat column ("Leaving the baby gives Mom a case of guilties") on feeling guilty about not spending time with her son. She feels guilty, and rightfully so. If she isn't careful, she will begin to listen to other mothers who may or may not have experienced this feeling, or may have worked through it by convincing themselves their child was the richer for having had extra care by someone other than its mother. After reading many articles and books, she will come to believe that herself.

Why does she have these guilty feelings? Could it be the motherly instinct making itself known? Obviously, some children receive better care from someone other than their parents. However, current research has proved that most children thrive much better academically, socially and mentally when the primary care-giver is a parent. While I realize there are instances where it is impossible for a parent to remain at home to raise a child, if a choice to remain unemployed outside the home is workable, serious consideration should be given - weighing heavily the benefits to the child.

I know firsthand what she is feeling at this time. I worked for 10 years prior to having my first child. My position was one I had worked to attain within the framework of the federal government, with a good salary and excellent benefits. Before my daughter was born, my husband and I decided it would be best for me to stay at home and care for our children. I resigned and stayed home for one year. Believe me, it was not easy. All my friends were working and I had to make new acquaintances. I yearned for stimulating conversation and interaction with other adults in the business world.

At the end of that first year, an opportunity presented itself, enabling me to return to work part-time. It seemed perfect. Then, my daughter got sick the first week and the merry-go-round began. After missing several pre-school programs and not being able to be a "chaperone" on any of the field trips, I realized what I was missing. I hadn't had the opportunity to share in the excitement the first time she touched a cow, nor was I with her when she became frightened of the fire-truck siren and cried for 15 minutes. I resigned as my daughter entered kindergarten! A strange time to quit work, according to my co-workers. Alas, I was able to be a room mother and volunteer during the day at the school when needed. Believe me, we nonworking mothers are needed. Also, we've been blessed with a second child, and I've had equal opportunity to contribute. Most of all, I've gotten to see and do all those little things Hatter mentioned in her article, as well as have many other precious privileges we stay-at-home mothers enjoy.

My daughter will be a senior in high school this year. It seemed like only yesterday that she learned to swim without her swimmies, ran around the house in her walker, played in the cabinets with my pots and pans, asked questions about black-and-white television, and sang along with the folks on Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. She tells me now there was nothing quite like coming home from school to Mom and having a snack in her own kitchen. Little things, that's what she remembers, and so will our son.

It's hard staying at home once you've been in the hectic but exciting business world. I used to threaten to go back to work to get some rest. I've done both and, trust me, there are personal and financial sacrifices to be made. However, being a parent is more of a challenge than any job I've ever had. But oh, the rewards!

\ AUTHOR Teena Trent of Roanoke is a wife, mother, a volunteer and a former federal-government employee.

by CNB