
                         Roanoke Times
                 Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: FRIDAY, September 3, 1993                   TAG: 9309030034
SECTION: VIRGINIA                    PAGE: B1   EDITION: METRO 
SOURCE: Ed Shamy
DATELINE:                                 LENGTH: Medium

NOT ALL OF HIS LOYAL CORRESPONDENTS WRITE IN CRAYON

The mailbag is overflowing. It'll be time, once again, to empty its contents, following this brief commercial message.

Contest fans will want to watch this space Sunday for the unveiling of a new and exciting challenge. At stake, as always, will be valuable prizes.

Now, to the letters:

"Mr. Ed Shamy,

I have a proven way of predicting when it will rain. It hasn't failed me in 20 or more years. Whey my hair curls down over my forehead, it will rain within two days. . . . I don't have much hair anymore, so this may change in the future, but for now I am 100 percent."

D.D., Roanoke County Dear D.D., I daresay we'll be the judge of that.

\ "Dear Ed,

. . . I quit reading your columns a long time ago but . . . ."

R.L., Roanoke

Dear R.L., I quit reading your letter long before I reached the point you were attempting to make but . . . .

\ "Dear Ed,

I find a praying mantis from time to time on my front porch. I usually hold its leg and ask, `Granddaddy, granddaddy which way are the cows?' I never find the cows."

D.L., Pulaski

Dear D.L., That's probably best for the bovines. From what I've learned of the savage insect, a praying mantis could make quick chow of a slow-moving heifer.

\ "Dear Ed,

Your choosing to live here is rather compelling evidence that even some Yankees don't really want to be Yankees."

J.B., Roanoke

Dear J.B.,

There are agents of the Central Intelligence Agency choosing to live in Baghdad and Beijing and, still, Moscow. That doesn't mean they don't want to be Americans.

\ "To whom it may concern,

I have received several cards from you. However, I am not Ed Shamy. You should direct your correspondence to him in care of the newspaper, I assume."

E.S., Roanoke

Dear E.S.,

Might I inquire what you did with those several misdirected cards? Did any of them include cash or checks?

\ "Dear Mr. Shamy,

I would like to use you as an avenue to vent my frustration with the Virginia Department of Transportation pertaining to highway speed limit signs. I do not claim to be an expert in the English grammar since the only lasting impression I retained from my high school English teacher was when she whacked me in the head with a five-foot pole she used to lower the window with after I had put a thumbtack in the seat of the girl sitting in front of me. In North Carolina, there are signs that say: Reduce Speed Ahead. In Virginia, they say: Reduced speed ahead, which could lead you to believe everything has been taken care of, your speed has been reduced for you. It should be: Reduce speed ahead, a command, or reduced speed limit ahead, a warning."

K.P., Wytheville

Dear K.P., She whacked you in the head, you say? With a five-foot pole?

by CNB